Cogito Ergo Sum ☆
What Math taught me about life
∫e^xdx = e^x : Even if circumstances change you, never forget that what you are now is what you were in the past.
/-x/ = x : Look life in a positive way. Problems are to be solved and arguments are to be understood.
y= kx : Change is constant, and the output depends on what’s the input.
X + Y = Y + X : Even if the world flips and turns upside down, if you don’t move for yourself, your life remains the same.
Sqrt (1) = ±1 : In every action, there’s always an equal and opposite reaction.
So, Add moments, subtracts anger, multiply love, and divide hatred; you’ll see, math is beautiful, and so does life.
9 March 2014
Things I should constantly remind myself:
• Have fun. This is your last year as a highschool student. You will miss this when you realized that you’re now a college student. Savor your memories together with your friends. It would probably be fun while it lasted.
• Priorities. Focus. Again, this is your last year as a high school student and this would be the last time to show everyone what you got. Do your best but do not force yourself to be someone who you’re not.
• Be industrious. Entrance examination tests are approaching. Sooner or later, you’ll be dealing with those. You have to study hard so that you will study in the school you’ve always dreamed of. Try to set aside your social networking sites.
• Mind over matter. Try to have a very very very long patience about stuff. Do not let your emotions to be the one controlling you. You should be the one controlling your emotions. Okay? Naturalism. You shouldn’t react about something unless you know the reason on why they did that thing.
• Do not stress yourself. If someone doesn’t like you, don’t please them to do so. Let them be. Let them say crappy things about you. Do not go down their level. Just prove them wrong okay. Let them no that if they don’t like you, then you don’t like them too- not even a bit. Okay? Let them say things about you as long as they want. But remember that you shouldn’t be affected to what they say as long as you know by yourself that what they’re saying isn’t true.
• Do not pretend. Same as well, if you don’t want someone, don’t pretend to do so. Let them prove themselves wrong. But of course, you should know that you should first understand them before hating/avoiding them.
26 February 2014

Here’s to the last month of our seniors’ life. Here’s to the moments that will never be forgotten. Here’s to the set of people who never let each other fall by themselves. Here’s to the people who’ve been together through the worst and best of times. Here’s to the people who left imprints in my heart. Here’s to the people who underwent a lot of  struggles.

Here’s to the prerequisites of who am I right now.

26 February 2014

“1. Who you are now is not who you will be in 10 years. It is okay to be somebody new 10 minutes from now. We are always learning. We are always growing. If you realized 10 seconds ago that you don’t like who you are, shed your skin, retry, replant yourself in good soil.

2. Cleaning is instant therapy. When your brain is muddy, take a shower, wash your hands, change your clothes. Spend 15 minutes straightening your living room. When you are angry, scrub things. I know it’s crazy but it works instantly.

3. Forgive someone’s debt if it’s under 50 dollars, forgive the small things, give a little time to yourself and forgive the big things too. Forgiveness isn’t about the other person, it’s about you. That being said - if someone ever hurts you in a way that would make me cry to know, you get out of there, my love. You just get up and go.

4. Gum karma is real and if you spit out a piece in public expect to find some on your shoe in the future. Same goes for insults and harsh judgement, too.

5. Do what you love and the money will follow.

6. Live your life with an open palm and give as much as you can and as often. At some point in your life, someone will lend you 50 bucks when you’re down on your luck. Remember how that feels. Remember to give that back.

7. Always wear clean underwear. You’ll thank me later.

8. There is a difference between being kind and being passive and there are those who cannot see that difference. They will try to walk all over you. Never bend your knees for those who do.

9. Have faith. Have faith in god or people or yourself or science or in luck or in all of the above. Faith is what keeps us going, faith is what keeps us strong.

10. Pay your bills on time whenever you can, although money is nothing. Remind yourself that.

11. Do not forget you were once ignorant of all you know now. Be patient of anyone who hasn’t had the education you have. Speak at the level of the person you are with - it’s not playing dumb, it’s being considerate. There’s no reason to make them feel uncomfortable. Plus then when someone starts going off about their superior IQ, you can cut them to pieces and watch their face when you do.

12. You are the best person in the room for one particular thing, and that’s confidence. You are the worst person in the room for another thing, and that’s humility. Use both carefully.

13. Never make fun of someone’s beliefs or superstitions, let your kid keep their imaginary friend and let your best buddy believe in knocking on wood. We all have security blankets. Don’t take away someone else’s.

14. Try to learn something new every day.

15. The worse you look, the more likely you are to run into someone you know so instead of feeling awkward, learn to be confident in sweats while talking to your friends.

16. Never go to bed angry, it will ruin your sleep and make tomorrow even harder. Find a way to relax. Don’t let today get to your head.

17. Think before you speak. When someone says something, mull over their words before answering. This is called listening, it is different than hearing.

18. What keeps love beautiful is that there’s risk involved. If he breaks your heart and it doesn’t hurt, it wasn’t love in the first place.

19. Never let someone else determine who you are or how happy. You are too strong to be torn apart.

20. I love you, even when we are fighting, even when I am fast asleep. Don’t doubt it for an instant. You are my everything.”

Life lessons my mother has taught me from the side of her hospital bed (part 2/2 of a series) /// r.i.d

25 February 2014

“1. Date a boy who makes you happy, but marry him only if he makes you laugh deep-belly rumbles that hurt your ribs as they expand outwards. Date him when he sees that you’re hurting and he gives you a moment to feel that pain like a handprint spreading across your consciousness, marry him only if he can make you smile even while you’re gross sobbing. The world is not a kind place. You will feel a lot of pain. Make sure you are with someone who makes it all bearable. Humor is an excellent gauge of intelligence. Life gets boring. Find someone who makes the banal interesting.

2. Make sure he has scars on the back of his hands, it’s a good sign he has experience either fighting or making things - creation is an act of selflessness and bruised knuckles are a good sign he knows how to defend himself. You’ve got too much soul to be handled by someone who has never been passionate. If he’s never thrown a punch, let him at least have tasted the insanity of bringing an idea into existence. Rough palms are better than soft ones, they have been salted by this earth and made into leather. Callouses are evidence he has lived, that he has broken skin and been in pain over and over and over again and still came back to the source of it. People rub against each other. Don’t marry him if he can’t handle even a little blister.

3. Before you say yes, get him angry. See him scared, see him wanting, see him sick. Stress changes a person. Find out if he drinks and if he does, get him drunk - you’ll learn more about his sober thoughts. Discover his addictions. See if he puts you in front of them. You can’t change people, baby girl. If they are made one way, it doesn’t just wear off. If you hate how he acts when he’s out of it now, you’re going to hate it much worse eight years down the road. You might love him to bits but it doesn’t change that some people just don’t fit.

4. Trust your instincts. If he ever makes you feel unsafe, don’t make excuses, just get up and leave. That’s all there is to it. It’s better to be safe than sorry.

5. If he puts money before you, he’ll keep pushing you to the bottom of the pile until you become his last priority. It’s one thing if he can’t afford what you want, it’s another if he has the cash but won’t spring for a box of chicken mcnuggets. Money and love are arch enemies. 62% of divorces occur due to economic strain. Make sure keeping you is more important than his 401k.

6. How a man treats animals is a good indicator of how he treats children. If you see him raise a hand to a dog, pack your things into a little black bag. Animals at their worst are only half as annoying as a toddler on their best behaviour. Your kids will be beautiful, but they will also misbehave. Same goes for waiters and hotel maids - if he’s rude to those who are working for minimum wage, it says a lot about how he sees himself. Patience is rare and so important. If he’s not forgiving to a dog, he’s not good for your kids.

7. If he isn’t in awe of you, he doesn’t deserve you. You are my little girl and you were born perfect. If he can’t see that, it’s his loss. There is someone who thinks your flaws power his heart. Be strong. If he asks you to change, be like like rock of your birthstone, do not waver. You are wondrous just the way that you are.”

My father’s recipe for the man I should marry (part 1/of a series). /// r.i.d

25 February 2014

if you have hope like i do, then you’ve probably grown up hearing your neighbour’s mother shouting at him and you brushed your teeth with the silence that came soon after.

you’ve probably had multilingual teachers back in kindergarten, who swore like they were born in ships that sailed through the mightiest of storms while women in labour screamed belowdecks, who thought that you were stupid and you didn’t understand and the only thing you learnt from them other than to speak English was to complain about money and that all the boys with brown eyes would always break your heart.

if you have hope like i do, then you’ve probably walked down streets where garbage isn’t just thrown and abandoned in black bags but collected and fought over with. there are girls with eyes that have seen more things than you ever will have and they try to smoke them out of their chests. they steal cigarettes in daylight and no one tries to help the homeless old man trying to make a living out of selling sticks that take that same thing away.

you’ve probably known all your life that it doesn’t just flood rainwater in this part of town, that the graffiti doesn’t spell out freedom and peace here, that everyone’s unconsciously nodded and accepted that the damage earthquakes have left on people’s faces over the years is more than enough to tell poverty isn’t just a word here.

but if you don’t have hope like i do, then you’ve probably never walked down an aisle so small, you move between that ducking-your-head position to that almost-crawling-but-you-don’t-want-to-touch-where-everyone’s-feet-steps-on position. you’ve probably never been to marketplaces wetter than your pillows at night, where women don’t have a house to go home to long after dark. but they fight on. not with arms and fists; they’re so frail, not because they’re women but because there’s not much to eat here. not with guns and grenades, either; there is no money here enough for those kinds of destruction. what they have is heart and tears shoved for too long inside punctured pockets.

if you don’t have hope like i do, then you’ve never had that English professor who cried after class, when everyone’s left, who teaches you about wisdom and that love could be a noun or a verb or a name, who asks you what love is because she gave love everything and she loved and she was left by love himself.

if you have hope like i do, then i tell you it is enough. it is more than enough. hope is.

10 February 2014

Never listen to my mouth because it speaks nothing but lies. Though I am suffering and secretly dying inside, you will hear nothing but “I am okay.” It hinders people from understanding what I really feel inside. My mouth is the reason why every single person thinks that I am strong- that I do not need any companion for I can do it by myself. But behind every “I’m okay” my mouth says, is my heart, slowly falling apart and turning into dusts.

Never believe my lips because it will show you nothing but smiles. Despite of everything, my lips always try to smile no matter what. Even if I am being engulfed by agony, even if I stay awake all night because of my night-long laments, still, I would smile in front of people I would meet everyday. I do not want others to feel sorry for me. I do not want them to think of me as a weak, sensitive girl who seeks attention by means of getting emotional every now and then. I smile so that people would think that I am okay.

Never believe the words I wrote in my letters because I could easily fake them. I could easily tell you that I am fine and that I am perfectly okay despite of the fact that I am actually seeking for someone’s help because I am about to breakdown. I could easily lie to you. I could put all happy-related terms in my letter and none of them might actually be true.

The world is full of lies and so am I. “I’m sad” could easily be replaced with “I’m fine”. An “I love you” could easily be replaced with an “I’ve moved on.” You see, lies are almost everywhere. But darling, if you really want to know, the real me. If you really want to read me- look straight into my eyes and it will tell you every single thing about me.

9 February 2014
8 Ways To Say I Love You

1. Spit it into her voicemail, a little slurred and sounding like the shot whiskey you downed for courage. Feel as ashamed as you do walking into work in last night’s clothes. Wake up cringing for days, waiting for her to mention it.

2. Sigh it into her mouth, wedged in between teeth and tongues. Don’t even let your lips move when you say it, ever so lightly, into the air. Maybe it was just an exhalation of ecstasy.

3. Buy her flowers. Buy her chocolate. Buy her a teddy bear, because that’s what every romantic comedy has taught you. Take her out to a nice restaurant where neither of you feel comfortable and spend the whole night clearing your throat and tugging at your tie. Feel like your actions are more suited to a proposal than the simple confession of something you’ve always known.

4. Whisper it into her hair in the middle of the night, after you’ve counted the space between her breaths and are certain she’s asleep. Shut your eyes quickly when she shifts toward you in askance. Maybe you were just sleep whispering.

5. Blurt it out in the middle of an impromptu dance party in the kitchen, as clumsy as your two left feet. When time seems to freeze, hastily tack on “in that shirt” or “when you make your award-winning meatballs” or, if you are feeling particularly brave, “when we do this.” Resume dancing and pretend you don’t feel her eyes on you the rest of the night.

6. Write her a letter in which the amount of circumnavigating and angst could rival Mr. Darcy’s. Debate where to leave it all day – on her pillow? In her coat pocket? Throw it away in frustration, conveniently leaving it face up in the trashcan, her name scrawled on the front in your sloppy handwriting. Let her wonder if you meant it.

7. Wait until something terrible has happened and you can’t not tell her anymore. Wait until she almost gets hit by a car crossing Wabash against the light and after you are done cursing at the shit-for-brains cab drivers in this city, realize you are actually just terrified of living without her. Tell her with your hands shaking.

8. Say it deliberately, your tongue a springboard for every syllable. Over coffee, brushing your teeth side-by-side, as you turn off the light to go to sleep – it doesn’t matter where. Do not adorn it with extra words like “I think” or “I might.” Do not sigh heavily as if admitting it were a burden instead of the most joyous thing you’ve ever done. Look her in the eyes and pray, heart thumping wildly, that she will turn to you and say, “I love you too.”

4 February 2014

And this time,

I won’t run after you. I won’t run as fast as the blowing wind just to ask you what the problem is. I got tired of receiving nothing but silence. I got tired hearing nothing but lies. Fake promises resides in your mouth but do not worry, your eyes are the truth. I can see it- the way you look at me. I can see that there is a problem regardless of what you say. You do not have to deny what is obvious.

And this time,

I won’t listen to you. You do not have to tell me that you love me or that you are still willing to fight for what’s left of us. You do not have to tell me that you won’t do the things I hate the most. I heard that millions times ago. And you repeat your actions over and over again. I cannot find any credibility in the words that you are saying. I lost my faith in love, the same way I lost my faith in you.

And this time,

There is no turning back. I won’t even look back. Looking back means reminding me of the enduring journey we’ve traveled together. I have to get rid of every single memory of you. I have to forget everything that reminds me of you.

I have to stop thinking that this will work. Because obviously, we’ve reached our downhill.

4 February 2014

“I am riding in the passenger seat, listening to my mother talk about the ways love has failed her. I can see the fifty-six years on her face, though she wears them well. She has been called “wife” by four men, “girlfriend” by eight names she has slipped into conversation, “lover” by strangers I will never meet. When I curiously ask, “Why stay married if you’re unhappy?”, she goes stiff. ‘You don’t understand,’ she says defensively. ‘You’re just a kid.’

I am seventeen the first time a boy mentions marriage to me. We are months into our relationship and giddy with the idea of gaining light by revealing our dark insides. We are too entranced by how bold shouting ‘forever’ is to know how suffocating it can be. We have no idea that we will spend months listening to each other punch ‘fiancee’ out of our speech.

At nineteen, I am doodling in the margins of my college notebook, thinking about how this habit has followed me through my educational career, when my teacher says, ‘Second marriages have a 67% chance of ending in divorce. Third marriages have a 73% chance. And if you’re on your fourth, well, really, what are you doing?’ I think of my mother in her fourth unhappy marriage. I think of my father in his fifth. I wonder if picking myself up and trying again is in my genes.

I do not pick myself up and try again when I learn that I am not going to marry the first person I loved. I pack the remainder of my tiny world into two suitcases and leave the photos of the two of us to die on our bedroom walls. I write lots of shitty poetry and tell my ghosts to ‘keep quiet’ when I think nobody is listening. The next time a boy knocks on my chest and asks, ‘How deep do you go?’, I do not show him. I say, ‘Infinitely’ and leave when he complains about the spaces in me he will not be able to fill up.

I am riding the bus home with friends when they spot a baby cradled in a new mother’s arms and squeal. They swap fantasies of their future kids getting their chubby legs tangled in tall grass as they watch from the kitchen with their husbands. I can see myself congratulating them with my arms empty and ring finger naked. I taste rust in my throat as I realize I am only in my second decade of being alive and already, ‘alone’ stains my tongue.

My ninety-year old grandma, with her silver hips and bullet-wound lips, tells me, in a thick accent, that ‘Nice girls should be married.’ For years, I saw her treat love as the greatest task on her ‘to-do list’, always cooking and cleaning to keep the relationship alive. But I am too weak, too selfish, too young to carry the weight of love. She says, ‘Find someone nice and settle down’, but there is a desire for the world in me that must be fed. And I am trying to first settle the disorder in my head before I even think about sharing my bed.”

Forever Is Too Large To Promise | Lora Mathis

3 February 2014
theme by simplynorule