Bleed your anxiety out. Write till the words collide harmoniously in your soul, till the hollow capaciousness of your shaky hands become still and nonchalant, and till the stars consume your severe brokenness. Fathom your scars and weave maps out of similes and metaphors. Know your breathing pattern and how it changes with every stroke of your pen.
If (and only if) you fall in love, take language and put your heartbeats on paper. Let your worries vanquish as they sit on top of horizontal lines. Grasp onto the ethereal exuberance brought by these rare, wrinkled sheets. But do not just write about the utopia you have acquired; get your hands steady and gentle and hold your love as the crestfallen thoughts obliterate, as the clogged passageways turn permeable once more. Let it shake you; let yourself tremble and feel. Do not fear.
Do not shrink yourself for paper-like cottages that hide themselves inside clumsy people. Shelter yourself. You are ample, so be complacent with your skin. Do not look for salvation from your weariness; be your own casket of euphoria. You have the capacity to go beyond your words.
Be strong as you battle against currents. But when you grow tired, when your bones no longer stand properly, when your words begin to stutter, you may weep. Forgive yourself for writing about people who do not even bother glancing twice to make sure you are okay.
Tie your drowsy words to the sun and catch its indescribable warmth using your bare hands. Write like the crowd has left and gone home. Be candid; be pristine. Be of the things you cannot be when people glue their words to the back of your hands.
Words will fail you, but it’s okay as long as the heaviness falls out of its place.
Close your eyes. Sleep. You must be aching for solemnity so much. Please rest after hours of writing drunk. Sway back and forth on your way home, but remember that when you wake up tomorrow, these words shall escort you back to your own skin. And when that occurs, turn off the lanterns, wave your hand, and widen your arms. Confess to the sky about the wounds buried behind your fragile chest.
But, please, rest for now. The pen will wait. Please rest.
Do not plant seeds of hatred in your heart.
Soon, it will grow into small sprouts of envy. You will hate every single detail about that person even if there is nothing wrong about them. In your eyes, they are full of flaws. You will always say that there is something wrong about them but the truth is you are nothing but a fault-finder human being. And you hate them because you are jealous of them. You will never appreciate anyone. You will never see their worth because you are blinded by the hate you are feeling towards them.
These small sprouts will grow into a bigger plant of insensibility. Because of anger, you might by pass their feeling. You may never hurt them by means of physical actions, but you may use your words against them. Remember that words are like daggers. When you use them against people, they could be killed emotionally by those words. You could bring them extreme pain and they may bleed a lot inside. But the thing is, your insensibility towards their feeling might turn into apathy. And I believe not caring at all is even worse.
Lastly, when you let it grow into a big tree of anger, you will found yourself underneath it and you will then be consumed by the darkness of its shade. So before it grows into an enormous tree, put a stop to it.
I barely even know you.
I used to know every single thing about you. But that was before when we were still close to each other. It is a truth, and should therefore be accepted, that everything changes. The colors of the leaves, the emotions that we feel, the seasons, the appearance of our old friends, the places we once saw and even people- these all changes. And we are aware that nothing is constant. Sooner or later, we have to deal with these changes.
But if that’s the case, then why is it so hard to accept that the people we are once close with are already far from us? I really don’t know the reason why we have to be apart like the star from above. When in fact, we shine even brighter when we’re together. But of course, I could not blame you. I should not blame you. Instead, I should understand you. You might be looking for someone else who could fill the gaps in your heart. Someone who could be your source of happiness. Maybe you’ve change your perspective about the people you should be with. But don’t worry, it’s okay. I’m used to being alone.
[Who are you again?]
Never listen to my mouth because it speaks nothing but lies. Though I am suffering and secretly dying inside, you will hear nothing but “I am okay.” It hinders people from understanding what I really feel inside. My mouth is the reason why every single person thinks that I am strong- that I do not need any companion for I can do it by myself. But behind every “I’m okay” my mouth says, is my heart, slowly falling apart and turning into dusts.
Never believe my lips because it will show you nothing but smiles. Despite of everything, my lips always try to smile no matter what. Even if I am being engulfed by agony, even if I stay awake all night because of my night-long laments, still, I would smile in front of people I would meet everyday. I do not want others to feel sorry for me. I do not want them to think of me as a weak, sensitive girl who seeks attention by means of getting emotional every now and then. I smile so that people would think that I am okay.
Never believe the words I wrote in my letters because I could easily fake them. I could easily tell you that I am fine and that I am perfectly okay despite of the fact that I am actually seeking for someone’s help because I am about to breakdown. I could easily lie to you. I could put all happy-related terms in my letter and none of them might actually be true.
The world is full of lies and so am I. “I’m sad” could easily be replaced with “I’m fine”. An “I love you” could easily be replaced with an “I’ve moved on.” You see, lies are almost everywhere. But darling, if you really want to know, the real me. If you really want to read me- look straight into my eyes and it will tell you every single thing about me.
I know burying hate in the depths of my heart will bring me no good. But tell me, how do you let go of the grudges you have been keeping for almost a year and more. How do you try to keep calm whenever that person is in your sight? How do you remain at peace whenever you remember how they throw shits about you?
Tell me, how do you forgive someone who have scarred your heart?
How do you forget every single bad memories?
To be honest, I do not mind if this hatred resides inside me for eternity. But it’s consuming me- the entirety of me. And just yet, I have to control my every single emotion inside of me.
I don’t usually get mad. But when I do, I have this very big chance of holding a deep grudge that will last for idk maybe forever.
On the 30th of November, she sent me a letter:
“I soak myself in the exhilarating luster of the midnight stars and let them linger in my shaking bones. I let them illuminate the natural brokenness we are all born with by cutting myself to the core with hope that they may sink in the cracks and allow me to glow from within. This is a process that we undergo each night we look up to the stars with the fainting light scorching our irises, turning the peculiar shade of brown into a catastrophic hue of red. Even when the nights turn empty because of their absence, I still find myself seeking for the refuge they carry in their burning rays. And even with the sadness etched all over my skin, I still long for their evanescent presence.
We long for seashores because we rarely see them. We long for warmth during winter because of the absence of it. We long for bliss because everything else speaks of melancholy and anguish. We long to be mourned after our deaths because we want to know that we really did mark our spots. We long for summer during months of school because we feel hatred towards the continuous working. We long for—
All this longing is turning into a havoc. Enlighten me once more.
Longing grows from absence. Fondness speaks of the same language. We are fond of the rare because it gives us this invigorating feeling—it is something that livens up our loose strings.
How is it that despite the fact that we see the stars every night, we are still fond of them? To simply answer this question: they remind me of you.
There is this ache for their havens buried underneath your heart.”
A day later, I replied:
"It suddenly made sense—the night we sat together in the pink twilight, upon the velvet sand, and as the shoreline and sea glowed white with moonlight, you looked at me coolly in the eyes, and told me, ‘Darling, whatever happens, don’t fall with the stars.’
Anyhow, you said longing grows from absence—true. But the stars are always there, except for the rainy nights which leaves you shivering in the ubiquitous cold, and the bright days when the crisp yellow sunlight forbids you to see them. And it’s strange and puzzling how we are still fond of them despite the fact they’re always there.
They say, love is more on appreciation than possession. And because of this, we are left with no other option but to look at them since we can’t hear them, or touch them, or taste them. And somehow, I think, that is why we are bound to love abstract things more than concrete ones which we can twirl around our fingers—and we may break them unintentionally if we are not careful enough.
And lastly, we all get used to beauty—but if you were a star, and I was a stargazer sitting in a meadow looking at you from far below, I will close my eyes—not because I am used to you, but because I will remind myself of the thick darkness that suffocates me when you are not around. And all I wish for is, for you to not lose your light.
Darling, don’t ever lose your light. I hope you fall in love with yourself eventually and exactly the way I did.”
It’s so hard to accept that months from now, I will become an official alumna of my alma mater. All these pile of works will be finished. Truly, time flies so fast. It was as if, it was only yesterday when we walk inside a room full of unfamiliar faces and now, in a few months’ time, we have to say good bye to the people we have been seeing for almost everyday in four short years. We can still see them, yes, in their profiles in some social networking sites. But you know, we will always long for that feeling of talking to them personally, laughing because of a hilarious joke. In other words, their presence will truly be missed.
Another painful thing, is when memories flash before your eyes. When you look at your pictures and remember how happy that moment was, when you re-read your conversations with your friends about that girl you both hate so much, when you see the visual aids you created with your group mates, when you look at your notebooks, your work texs- almost everything. It is truly painful. Then you’ll blame yourself for not enjoying every second while they are still there. When you realize that everything you’re doing with them right now will soon be memories is truly heart breaking.
I can imagine myself crying as I look at them during our graduation day- wearing our over-sized togas and graduation hats. That would be a very painful yet satisfying moment.
I know, imagining stuff like this could hurt me but I am just preparing myself from the bittersweet reality that I will soon face.
There are times that when I look at you, everything seems to vanish from the scene. Just like how a photographic instrument would focus its subject and blurred all the unnecessary details giving me the chance to stare at you completely. When I look at you, I don’t just see a smiling human being. Instead, I see an individual screaming for help- wanting to be saved from his own tragedy. Those things that seems to be invisible to the eyes of most of the people you know, is clear to me. I can see all of those. And it pains me knowing that I cannot do anything to save you from your own melancholy. I know, your agony is slowly engulfing you.
Hidden in the depths of your heart, are scars that simultaneously pain you. Scars which remain hidden to people. Scars that seemed to be perpetual. Hidden behind your smile, is the frown you are trying to hide. You want people to regard you as a strong individual, but the truth is, you are vulnerable. You are easily damaged. Because you are fragile. You’ve been hurt more than people could ever imagine. Tears fall down your face as you, watch your own pieces shatter on the floor you once called as your own stage. You’ve tried to fix yourself, but there are still empty holes to fill- I know, those are located in your heart. The spaces to fill are in the depths of your heart but no one could see that because they believed in the smile on your face.
Things could always get better, or worse. In time, maybe you’ll find someone to fulfill the spaces in your heart that makes it hard for you to breathe. Or in the other hand, maybe you’ll find yourself torn into thousands of pieces again.
But if you are going to ask me, It would be my privilege to fulfill the spaces in your heart even if it means that I have to get some from mine just to fix the gaps in yours.
Once there was a king. He lives in a far away land where it doesn’t usually rain. Tulips and some rare plants grow there. It is a utopia as other people said. He has everything a lady would want in a partner. He is handsome, kind, lovable and understanding. But one thing is lacking from him- bravery. He is the most coward person you’ll ever meet in your entire life. He is afraid to go outside his kingdom because of his belief about the life of royalties- they will always end up being killed by a bunch of people who envy them and wants the throne for themselves. However, he managed to live his life normally. The realms of his palace provides him happiness and safety.
One day, he heard about the news about a princess who is locked inside an underground cave that is being guarded by a sphinx. He wants to save the princess so that he could have the love story he’d always wanted but of course, something holds him back- his cowardliness. Because of that, he called his three favorite knights and ordered them to search for the said princess and slay that sphinx. He assured that whoever save the princess first, will have a great gift from him.
The three knights started their quest. All of them eager to find the princess before the others does.
The first knight, named Arthuro, is really brave and wanted to have the prize. So without asking people for help, he immediately went into the woods not realizing that it’s not the right way. Arthuro got killed by a bear when he was sleeping because of tiredness.
The second knight, Victor searched for the princess night and day. But he is a glutton and on the third day, he found out that he already ate all his food. He died because of starvation. Just like Arthuro, he failed to do his quest.
The last knight, Thomas is truly wise. He asked others for help and managed to save his food so that he will not die of hunger. He found the place and since he’s clever, he killed the sphinx and was able to save the princess.
Princess Mariella was crying when he first saw it. The princess immediately hugged him. “Thank you.” She whispered. “You wouldn’t believe all the horrible things that monster did to me.” She added. Thomas asked him to tell him stories but then the princess refused. She said that she doesn’t want to remember anything. “Help me forget all of those. I’m just glad you saved me my knight and shining armor.” Thomas smiled and they went home together.
Upon their journey, the princess admitted that her feelings for him kindled and that she is already in love with him. He was about to admit his love for her too but then he remembered that he has a quest to fulfill and he doesn’t want to betray the kind king who helped him in almost every aspect of his life. So he just smiled and pet the hair of the princess.
He fell in love with someone whom he could never call as “his princess.” Sometimes, he just wants to hug her but he is trying his best not to show his love. When they are just a mile away from the kingdom of the king, he decided to tell her about the quest. That he went there because a king ordered him to. She begged him to just runaway with her and live in a place where no one knows them. He refused.
Later that day, they arrived in the kingdom and Thomas told the king about the good news. The king was delighted and gave him tons of treasures. He was about to leave the room but then the king said “I have one last favor.” “What is it, my king?” “I want you to be the best man in our wedding which will be held later.” “Sure.”
With tears in his eyes, he walked away. He walked pass a room where he saw the love of his life. Servants of the king is fixing her hair already and was already dressing her up. She is like the most beautiful star above. All he could do is to look at him because even if he reaches his hands too high, he could never touch it. Just like how close, yet so far the princess is to him.
The matrimony started. The priest started talking. After a while, the king said “I do.” Then the princess said those too. Then before the king and princess kissed, the princess said “I love you” while looking at Thomas. Tears roll down her face as the king unveil her. Then they kissed.
The king lived happily ever after but the princess and Thomas will live with the pain of not marrying the person they really love.
People could always fall in love deeply with someone but there is no assurance that they will end up together.