Love is not about picking a flower for the girl you are courting.
Love is showing the beautiful flower to the girl you are courting for you cannot bear to give her something that will whither and die soon.
Same as your love, you gave it to her because you are aware that in any case, you know, it will not whither but rather grow into something more beautiful than a rose.
You know what is painful?
It’s when you can see with your own very eyes that your country is falling apart. I am aware that the Filipino spirit is truly strong and that no problem could hinder it from standing up and facing tomorrow but you see, it’s like we’re being put into a lot of tests. Just recently, Bohol and other parts of Visayas were shocked by a magnitude seven earthquake which caused a lot of damages. A historic church was even destroyed because of that incident. A lot of houses as well as buildings fell down. Imagining people crying for help makes me weak. I do not sympathize with them. I empathize with them. I put myself in their shoes and I tell you, it’s horrible. To stand in front of your destroyed house and imagine where to start. It’s really heart breaking.
And now, here comes this terribly big storm. And the thing is, it will pass mostly in the Visayas region where the earthquake brought damages just weeks ago. It’s really painful to see your fellow countrymen experiencing such chaos specially when all you can do is to watch the news and stay updated to what is happening there. It’s hard to just sit down on your couch knowing that a lot of people are in the evacuation centers right now where it is crowded. If I could just do something that will help them ease the pain they are feeling right now, I’d readily and gladly do it. If I could just rescue people. If I just have a lot of money to give them foods.
But in any case and anyway, my prayers are for them- for all of us.
i. Do not tell me that my eyes are like the stars. Do not tell me that it brightens up your evening sky. There is one thing I am sure of- my eyes don’t have gleams. They are dull and not that expressive. There is nothing special about it in fact, when I look at them in the mirror, they do not reflect the stupendous galaxies above rather, an image of an unattractive woman. Stars are truly elfin. Stars, they shine even they are beyond my horizon. Stars are just too magical to be compared with something dun like my eyes.
ii. Do not tell me that my lips are like roses. Roses are truly delicate and romantic while my lips has nothing to do with being precious. My lips are even more pale than a dying patient’s lips. They are lifeless and lack vivid hues. If my lips were to be painted, not even a bystander would care enough to look at it and appreciate it. Simply because it is boring. So darling, please, just don’t.
iii. Do not tell me that my hair is like vines; flourishing in time. Darling, I do not even have time to comb my hair and most of the time, it has a drowsy look. It does not stay in place all the time. It does not sway together with the wind. I can see no beauty in it at all.
iv. Do not tell me that I am as beautiful as spring time. Spring time is such a wonderful season. The trees, from being bare, to beauteous one. It’s like from being dead, to being alive. I have nothing to do with being alive. I’m physically alive, but my inside is dead, I tell you. Passive, as they all said. Silence engulfed me long time ago. I find peace in silence.
v. Do not tell me that I am the sun of your life. You see, it is not that I do not love you. It’s just that, I cannot light up your life the way the sun does. I myself, loves darkness and I am afraid, that’s all I got. I am afraid that my presence will just bring darkness in your life. I do not want you to hide inside this pitch-dark abyss I’m into. I want you to live your life in the midst of a flower fields where all you can see are colors and beauty.
vi. Just don’t compare me with all these heavenly objects. Your metaphors might hit my heart hard. And I may fall in love with you. I am nothing but mischief and trouble. I want you to find happiness and you might fail to do so upon choosing me.
i. Do not tell me you love me just because you know that I have feelings for you. It would be nice if you’d feel the same for me, but knowing that you just forced yourself to love because of pity, is twice as painful as knowing that you could never love me. Do not force your feelings. If you do, then you do. But if you don’t, that would be fine to me. At the beginning, I already told myself that there is a chance that you may never fall for me the same way as I fall for you and that is okay. I am aware that you cannot get everything you want and things doesn’t always come your way.
ii. Do not tell me you love me just because you got attracted to me. Darling, I am telling you. Love is not just a physical attraction. Love is far beyond that. If you fall because of someone’s physical appearance, then maybe, it’s plain attraction. If you fall because of their wits and their ability to persuade people through their words, or if you fall because of their talents and skills, that for me is admiration. If you fall for their body, then that is lust. But if you fall without any reason, and you just wake up feeling like you cannot live without them, then maybe, that is love. Love has diverse meanings. But you know what I mean, don’t say you love me when you are not sure of what are you feeling. Sometimes, it could be mistaken to crush, infatuations and other stuff. But they are all swallow and love has a deeper context, remember that.
iii. Do not tell me you love me just because you need someone to tell you “I love you too.” If you are feeling empty, and you need you think a significant other immediately, I am sorry but I could never be one. If you really love me, you’ll show your efforts. You won’t mind the test of time. You will definitely wait for the right time. You won’t give up easily just because I didn’t say yes after few months of courtship. If you really want me to say I love you too to you, then make me do it. Show me you are all worth it. If I do see that you are indeed worthy of all the pain I may suffer, then I will readily give you my yes.
iv. Do not tell me you love me when you haven’t seen me at my worst. I am really impulsive. I usually have emotional breakdowns. I am moody. I could be laughing right now, but after just a second, you could see me crying inside my room. I am not that girl who always has her hair fix. Most of the time, you’ll see me in my old loose shirt wearing jeans and my favorite pair of sneakers. You can’t force me to wear heels and skirts because they are not my thing. My hair is always a mess, I eat a lot, I snore when I sleep- those are things that might turn you off. So please, don’t say you love me unless you could handle me during my worst.
v. Do not tell me you love me unless you really do.
Last night, I dreamed about laying on some green pastures while gazing at the night sky, The scenery, is undeniably staggering leaving my eyes the glimmer of the stars above. One could easily fall in love with the type of ambiance this place has. Suddenly, I felt something, something that made me realize that there is something missing. I started looking for that thing. I searched under the rocks, behind the trees, into the bushes, but no. I failed to find out what my mind is trying to tell me. It’s kinda peculiar because I am searching for something I do not know but then I always have this feeling upon seeing something that “no, this isn’t the one I am searching for”.
I found myself awake around 2o’clock am. There I was, reminiscing that wonderful dream I had. I keep on thinking about the possible things that might happen if I have finished my dream. I keep on thinking about that missing something and how significant it is to me that even in my dreams my mind tells me to look for it. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep once again. Because maybe, just maybe, I could continue my dream.
I fell asleep and my dream continued. I was still searching for that thing. I do not have any idea on why am I still searching- everything is quite perfect, at least for me; the moon peeking from the clouds, the skies shining down from the heavens, the cool breeze of the blowing wind and the perfect harmony of birds chirping, the river flowing and the wind blowing. I looked somewhere far. Then I saw another star, at first, I thought it was a star because compared to the others, it even shines brighter. My eyes focused on that thing- until I realized it was you. It was you who I’ve been searching for. But to add to the intensity of the feelings, I saw you with someone else. So happy, and glad to be in each others arms. I was searching for something that has already found someone worth looking for. Kinda unfair.
I realized that the stars shine for them. And the moon? It peeks from the cloud to witness a wonderful date happening below him. I was all alone. Unfortunately, in my dream, I have no one to talk to. So I have to appreciate the wonders of beauty all by myself. And of course, I have to secretly cut my heart by looking at the two of them- helplessly falling in love with each other, intoxicated with each other’s love.
The dream started well, but ended up as a nightmare. It just goes to show that even in my dreams, we cannot really be together.
“Marry someone who lets you have a bite of their brownie, even when you said you weren’t hungry. Marry someone who laughs at the same things you do. Marry someone who kisses your nose on a cold day. Marry someone who you can watch Disney movies with. Marry someone who is proud of you whether you earn £5 a week or £5,000 a week. Marry someone who you can tell everything to. Marry someone who isn’t afraid or embarrassed to hold your hand in public. Marry someone who lets you take over when decorating a cake. Marry someone who you can spend the day in Ikea with without feeling stressed. Marry someone who wraps you up inside their coat in the winter. Marry someone who accepts your fears and phobias. Marry someone who gives you butterflies every time you hear their key in the door. Marry someone who you don’t always have to shave your legs for. Marry someone who accepts you all day every day, even when you don’t look or feel your best. Marry someone who puts three sugars in your tea, despite telling them “just the two”. Marry someone who doesn’t judge you when you eat your body weight in cookies. Marry someone who doesn’t make you want to check your phone, because you know they will reply. Marry someone who waits with you to get on the train. Marry someone who understands that you need to be alone sometimes. Marry someone who gets on well with your parents and isn’t uptight about family events. Marry someone who calms you down when you get mad about stupid stuff, and never tells you it’s “only stupid stuff”. Marry someone who makes you want to be a better person. Marry someone who makes you laugh. Marry someone who you love. Marry your soulmate, your lover, your best friend.”
Nights like this, I can feel the intensity of the agony that devours my soul. Open windows in addition of an obscure scenery makes a perfect emotional sight. The cold breeze touched my bare skin, and a drop of tear streamed down my face. I started playing mellow songs, and guess what? My emotions became heavier. I realized, it wasn’t the song that made my feelings heavy but the person I remembered upon hearing that song.
The sky is sad and I can feel it. The stars gradually loses it’s brightness. The night wind even makes me sad. The memories flashed before my eyes.
I loved you and you loved me too. But nights like this reminded me on how you keep me warm and cozy. You let me rest in your shoulder and you usually sing me to sleep. Your lullabies’s cling into my ears and I savor every note of it. Under the unfathomable sky, it all happened. Heaven was a witness on how we used to loved each other. To think that I do not have you, and to think that I have lost you, probably killed me inside and bought me pain so hard to endure. To think that good days couldn’t be better without you, cuts my heart into two. I know my love is not enough to keep you, but I know, it was my fault. I should have hold your hand when you’re about to leave. Now, I am bound to face the distance between you and me. All I can do is to look at you, without you noticing me. Just like how I glance at the night stars, I stare at them for couple of times, but they do not know that I was looking at them.
But I have to admit, once in a while, my sight constantly searches for you. My eyes want to see you- also searching for me. I no longer love you, I guess, but I still miss you. I miss the happiness you brought me.
But that was before. When everything is still fine and you still love me the same way as I do. That was before when I still see gleams in the night sky. Because right now, all I see is plain darkness.
How women love.
When a woman falls in love, she keeps her heart inside a box and personally delivers it to the person who had her heart taken. She will immediately gets attached to that person- through his words, his face and his promises. She will fell in love with him everyday- even deeper. When he’s away, she will spend her time by re-reading their old conversations. Those conversations that makes her heartbeat so fast- like a car in the midst of racing. She will keep all of the letters, teddy bears, the receipts they have when they went out, the tickets of the bus they rode when they went somewhere far- and all of the other materials that will serve as part of your memories. All of them, well kept inside a box placed on her desk or under her bed. She will get jealous- often times or all the times, but don’t worry, it’s her way of showing that she is dead serious about you. There are times when she will talk to you in a very high pitch, she might even get angry to you for no reasons but, please, do understand her. Girls are often times moody. In most cases, if a woman is really serious about her relationship towards her significant other, she is really falls in love too much and can gave him what he wants as long as she could. That’s the reason why if your relationship failed, she starts to be so bitter about you and your memories. She starts to burn all of those stuff that reminds her of you. She starts to delete all of your conversations and do all things to forget you. You know why she does those things? It’s because she is aware that if she didn’t do those, she may not be able to forget someone who gave her so much to remember.