And this time,
I won’t run after you. I won’t run as fast as the blowing wind just to ask you what the problem is. I got tired of receiving nothing but silence. I got tired hearing nothing but lies. Fake promises resides in your mouth but do not worry, your eyes are the truth. I can see it- the way you look at me. I can see that there is a problem regardless of what you say. You do not have to deny what is obvious.
And this time,
I won’t listen to you. You do not have to tell me that you love me or that you are still willing to fight for what’s left of us. You do not have to tell me that you won’t do the things I hate the most. I heard that millions times ago. And you repeat your actions over and over again. I cannot find any credibility in the words that you are saying. I lost my faith in love, the same way I lost my faith in you.
And this time,
There is no turning back. I won’t even look back. Looking back means reminding me of the enduring journey we’ve traveled together. I have to get rid of every single memory of you. I have to forget everything that reminds me of you.
I have to stop thinking that this will work. Because obviously, we’ve reached our downhill.
Today, I found out the reason why every time we say good bye, it feels like my heart is being pricked by numerous amount of needles.
It is because of uncertainty- I do not know if I will ever see you again after we said good bye to each other. I do not know if after that, I will be able to see you tomorrow, or maybe next day, next year or worse, never.
Do not walk away. He will not chase you. Do not run away. He will not run after you. Do not cry. He will not wipe the tears falling from your eyes. Do not pretend that you’re not okay. He will not take care of you. Do not be mad at him. He does not give any damn at all. Do not let yourself fall. He has no intention of catching you.
Darling, love is not always rainbows and sunshine. Sometimes, it’s storms and chaos.
It is during midnight when she misses you the most, darling. It is when the moon is shining so brightly that her feelings intensifies to the point where she can’t hold her tears anymore. It is when the wind breeze is so cold that she feels extremely sad. It is during midnight when she needs your phone calls most. It is because she is afraid of the dark- for it reminds her of the pain she endured when you walked away. It reminds her of her world without you- dark and cold.
Do not leave her alone. Her heart might froze because of your coldness. Only the warmth of your presence could save her from feeling lonely.
I hope one day, you’ll find her eye bags as beautiful as those flourishing buds in the midst of a field. I hope one day, you’ll find her pale lips as beautiful as the rose you gave to your past lover. I hope one day, you’ll find her insecurities beautiful and manage to love her despite of her flaws.
Darling, you are the only one who could save her. Ever since you left her for that model-like girl, she became so conscious about herself. She stopped eating regularly thinking that if she became slim, you’ll come back running for her. To be honest, I barely know her- she wears thick make ups and wears inappropriate dresses. I hate the fact that she stopped being herself because of you.
Do not tell her to move on because the imprints of your hands are still in her heart and your voice is still hes favorite song. Fill the gaps in her heart. That’s the best thing you could do.
I hope one day, you’ll realize that every single time her mind seeks for love, it goes directly to you.
You were a thief.
The first thing you stole to me was my heart. You made me fall using your words. You know how much I love words specially if they are weaved into perfect sweatshirts that could protect me when it is freezing cold. You told me a lot of promises. I was a fool way back then so I readily believed in you. It was under the pitch-dark sky when you told how much you love me. You told me that the stars are the witness of the love you’re feeling for me, and that I would be the judge to tell you if I am feeling it or not. That moment, you’ve successfully stole my heart.
Another thing that you stole was my time. After a month of making me feel loved, you started being cold. From thirty missed calls down to no call at all. I spent hours and hours waiting for someone whom I thought loves me the way I love him. I was wrong. And then I realized that I was waiting for nothing. Like how I used to wait for Santa during Christmas when I was still a child. When we met, you we’re as joyful as summer. But now, you’re even colder than winter. I don’t know what happened.
Then I realized that you’re already the subject of my poems and writings. You did not just stole my heart. You’ve also preoccupied my mind. All I can think about is you. And how you stopped making me feel loved. You were the reason behind my bittersweet poems. You were the reason behind these cuts on my wrist. You were the reason why I wake up at three o’clock in the morning just to cry my feelings out. You were the reason why I became nyctophilic; why I became in love with darkness. It is because when you left me, you took all the light in my life with you. You left me with nothing but darkness.
So stop denying that you’re not a criminal.
Stop telling me that you’re innocent. Because you’re not. And stop telling me that you did not kill anybody. Because that night, when you told me that you did not love me- not even once and took back all the things you’ve said, you killed the entirety of me. I bleed but you were too blind to see it. You left me lying on the floor, like a broken glass. You hold me and brought me up in the sky. You made me feel like I am on cloud nine. Then all of a sudden, you dropped me and left me with my broken pieces.
There is a world outside your lighting screen.
Yuletide season is yet to come. A season of love as well as happiness and must therefore be shared to all the people around us. The atmosphere gets cold- don’t let it get any colder. Stop scrolling, go to your mom and hug her tight. Greet her a very Merry Christmas then kiss her. Go to your dad, he misses you. Greet him and make him feel loved also. Even if you’re already a grown up, he still consider you as his baby. Don’t get ashamed. Kiss him in front of people. Make him feel loved. Go to your siblings, they are waiting for you. They do not want to make the first move because they are afraid you might get angry. Do you know what’s inside their minds? “S/he’s doing something in the computer. I might annoy her/him.”. It’s always like that. So do something for them. Show them how much you’re thankful for them. Call your friends. It’s better if they hear you saying your greetings to them rather than just a facebook message. And above all, talk to God through a prayer and greet him a Happy Birthday.
You have a life to live. This comes only once a year. Let’s not waste it.
i. It was the thought of you, letting go of me that scares me the most. In a short period of time, you have captured the entirety of me by your words and charm. I immediately fell into your trap. I tried to escape but the magic you have used to me is just so powerful that I could barely think of anything else but you. I have given you all that is left in me. My heart was shattered for quite a lot of times already. But I did managed to put them back together and love you with all of these pieces hoping and wishing that you would fill in the empty spaces. And you did. You made me feel ecstasy. But it did not last long.
ii. Little did I know that I’ve wasted my time trying chase someone who has no intention of slowing down. I gave all my effort trying to fix and mend the broken relationship we once had. It was only now, when I realized that all of my efforts are put into waste. Maybe I was naive. And I admit that. I was wrong. All of the things I am doing leads me to nowhere. I was waiting for nothing. And worse, I barely even know myself. I changed because of you. I changed because I tried to live up to your expectation. I tried to change every single attitude you do not like about me and that was very dumb.
iii. Now, it’s not losing you that frightens me. It’s losing me- losing my own self.
Do not plant seeds of hatred in your heart.
Soon, it will grow into small sprouts of envy. You will hate every single detail about that person even if there is nothing wrong about them. In your eyes, they are full of flaws. You will always say that there is something wrong about them but the truth is you are nothing but a fault-finder human being. And you hate them because you are jealous of them. You will never appreciate anyone. You will never see their worth because you are blinded by the hate you are feeling towards them.
These small sprouts will grow into a bigger plant of insensibility. Because of anger, you might by pass their feeling. You may never hurt them by means of physical actions, but you may use your words against them. Remember that words are like daggers. When you use them against people, they could be killed emotionally by those words. You could bring them extreme pain and they may bleed a lot inside. But the thing is, your insensibility towards their feeling might turn into apathy. And I believe not caring at all is even worse.
Lastly, when you let it grow into a big tree of anger, you will found yourself underneath it and you will then be consumed by the darkness of its shade. So before it grows into an enormous tree, put a stop to it.
I barely even know you.
I used to know every single thing about you. But that was before when we were still close to each other. It is a truth, and should therefore be accepted, that everything changes. The colors of the leaves, the emotions that we feel, the seasons, the appearance of our old friends, the places we once saw and even people- these all changes. And we are aware that nothing is constant. Sooner or later, we have to deal with these changes.
But if that’s the case, then why is it so hard to accept that the people we are once close with are already far from us? I really don’t know the reason why we have to be apart like the star from above. When in fact, we shine even brighter when we’re together. But of course, I could not blame you. I should not blame you. Instead, I should understand you. You might be looking for someone else who could fill the gaps in your heart. Someone who could be your source of happiness. Maybe you’ve change your perspective about the people you should be with. But don’t worry, it’s okay. I’m used to being alone.
[Who are you again?]