My father died when I was still in grade one. That was roughly nine years ago. It was before, when I thought that I have no chance of being happy since someone important left me- left us with all the what if’s and wonders of what would it be like if he is still with us. I thought that my life will be kind of empty. But I was wrong. Papa left us because his mission in this world is done and he wants us to learn couple of things. Papa left us because he wants mama to be strong. Right now, mama is really a strong person who knows how to surpass the mazes in this labyrinth we’re into. I know, papa is really happy to see mama that way. Mama is my mother-slash-father. She is someone whom I can tell my feelings too, and she is also someone who could protect me just like what fathers do. In my relatives’ part, papa wants them to live happily and seize every moment. Papa, is a jolly person. That is why they want them to do the same; to make the most out of their life and live everyday as it’s the last. As for me, papa wants me to be independent and strong enough to face life’s challenges together with my mother. He wants me to stay strong for my mother and he wants the same for me too; he wants my mother to be strong for me too. Simply, he wants us to live like nothing happened. To move on and go on in our journey without him. He is truly gone but just how the cliche goes, he is never forgotten. He may not be with us, physically, to let us feel what it would be like to have a husband, a father, a relative or a great friend but because of his farewell, he assured that we will all learn something upon his death.
Anon asked: Are you still hurt?
My answer: If you are going to ask me if it still hurts, the scar in my heart that I got upon losing my father, yes it does. But you see, you don’t let one incident hold you back from living your life and walking forward.
I cannot accurately define what chaos is. I believe that even if I put all the words from dictionaries, still, it would not be enough for me to say what chaos really means. But I do know that there are situations that could define my own concept of chaos.
When you are writing a very long reflection paper and then suddenly, your desktop shut down and you realized that you did not save your file, that is chaos. When your teacher just announced that she will be having a graded recitation and you realized that you haven’t read your notes yet, that is chaos. When everything you do seems wrong, that is chaos.
but of course, all of those are on the lighter side.
When the news you just saw and heard is all about people, killing each other and you stand there, wanting to help them, but you can’t, that’s chaos. When innocent civilians are victimized by wars they don’t even take part of, that’s chaos. When you see the world fall apart, and you can’t even pick up the pieces because you are afraid it may hurt you- that is chaos.
i. Stab me with your words. Kill me with your messages that brings up tears in my eyes. Write me letters telling me I am not worth it. Tell me that you are done with me and that you no longer want me in your life. Tell me that my part in your life has already ended. Write me a long poem that ends up with the statement like “I regret meeting you.” or “Get lost.” Use your words like a knife and point them into my heart. Then slowly tear my heart apart. Look at me while my blood shed on the floor as I read your letters. By that, I should be killed.
ii. Lock me up in a room of silence. Make me feel like I am all by myself and that I have no one to talk to. Make me feel alone. Bring me to parties just to see you socializing with people while I sit the corner of the room, alone. Lock me up in walls you build by yourself. Throw the key in a place I do not know. Do not reply when I text you. Do not write back when I send you letters. Do not answer when I call. Most specially, be away from me. When time comes that I feel alone although people are surrounding me, you can then be sure that slowly, I shall be killed.
iii. Poison me with lies. Tell me you love me even if you don’t. Tell me that you can’t live without me even if you can’t. Make me believe in all your sugar-coated words then make me realize that none of them was true. Tell me you miss me even it’s not me that you miss, but instead, just the presence of someone. Tell me I am your number one priority even if I am in number 3492082023 in your list. Tell me lies, make me believe. Then after making me believe, frankly tell me that you do not mean any of those. Or your could just let me discover those by myself. I guess, that will hurt even more.
iv. Let me break myself by means of falling into someone who is not willing to catch me. Make me love you. Make me fall for you. Then, do not catch me. Leave me in the midst of a cold place. Look at my shattered pieces then walk away as if you did not see anything. Walk, and never look behind.
v. Let me watch you fall in love with someone else why I stand behind you- trying to offer my heart to you.
Just please, tell me that you still see the stars in my eyes. Tell me that the feeling inside you still kindles and that it is far from burning out. Whisper to me all the things I wanted to hear. Tell me that you feel the same way too. But above all, this is what I need to continue fighting: for me to know that you are fighting for me, too.
Nobody said it was going to be easy.
But you fell. You gave your heart to someone whose love was never certain. The beginning was fine. It was never sweeter. Problems may pass but you always surpass it. You saw a glimpse of paradise in his eyes and you could never be thankful enough. Now, the downfall happens. He is giving your heart back- but in pieces. And you can’t help but to question entities and gods about your fate. You cried but nothing happened. You are still broken into tiny sharpened pieces.
It is really hard to say good bye. Because just when you thought that you were over him, the memories flash right before your eyes. Back to zero once again.
I believe that it is truly necessary for a person to have his own confidant. Someone whom you can tell your secrets to. Someone who has his ears only for you when you need them. There will always be these times wherein you’ll feel like you are all by yourself- that no matter how many people surround you, you’ll always feel isolated and indifferent from all of them. It is truly saddening knowing the fact that you are alone in this world with more than seven billion people in it. That is why we should be very thankful for having someone who could readily listen to our complaints.
This day is indeed, one of the highlights of my year. Today is my XXth birthday. First of all, I want to thank God for everything. Without Him, I am nothing and I am truly aware of that. I want to thank Him for giving me the best present of all- my life. I want to thank Him for staying with me through my ups and downs. In everything that I do, everywhere that I go, He is always beside me, holding my hand to ensure that I will not be harmed. None of this would be possible without Him.
Second, I want to thank my family, specially my mother for organizing a superb birthday for me. My mom slept so late just because she is busy fixing stuff for my birthday. I can see it in her that she wants me to be very happy. When me and my classmates got home, everything was fixed and all we have to do is to eat and enjoy the moment. But of course, it is not only because they are responsible for my party but because they never failed to make me feel loved. They are simply the best. They are supportive, funny and can be your confidant if you ever need one. I am indeed, so blessed to be part of our family.
Third, my batch mates who went to our house to celebrate my birthday with me. Without them, there would be no extreme happiness surrounding our place. They are very good when it comes to humor. And I am indeed, blessed to celebrate my special day with them. I happy to spend a very special day with them. That even though we are filled with tasks and stuff, they still found time to come to our place and celebrate my birthday. As an Engineering and Science Education Program student, our schedule is very hectic. Them, giving time for me is very, very precious. Though not all of my friends came to our house, still, I understand them because I know they might have some errands to do.
Fourth, my tumblr friends, followers, readers and etc. Thank you so much for greeting me! Your messages mean so much to me. Thank you for sparing some of your time to drop by my ask box and wish me a happy birthday. Thank you, thank you so much. I love you, all.
I am just so thankful for the Lord have given me a very awesome family and set of real life friends as well as online friends. I can never be more thankful enough.
Things that I constantly miss:
- Kisses- These are the jelly like substances you put in water so you could watch them grow and reproduce.
- Chinese garter- My favorite game of all time.
- Piko- The reason why my feet are always dirty. It is because when I play this, I make sure to remove my slippers so that I won’t occupy too much space thus stepping on the lines will be hard.
- Langit-lupa- A very strenuous in which you are required to run for your life. If a playmate tagged you, then you lose your life and you may lose one turn (and that’s terribly sad because you sit there in the corner watching your other friends play).
- Tamagotchi- Those cute and cuddly virtual pet which requires 24/7 care. It is like having a pet everywhere you go.
- Bag with wheels- You know, those bags that we use when we’re still in our elementary days.
- Patintero- The game which taught me how to be quick and strategic.
- Marie, Vinegar Pusit and Tatoo- My all time favorite “tigpi-piso foods”. They really good. And I miss eating these chips.
These are just some of the things I constantly miss. I just miss my childhood days. With these simple things, a child could be happy already. Unlike now, people need a lot of gadgets for them to be happy. I just miss the fact that before, people do not need android phones nor iPhones for them to have fun. Life is so simple before. This is one downside of modernization. Right now, I hardly see kids play these games. When I walk pass by a computer shop, all I see are children about the age of nine or ten playing dota or counter strike. Isn’t it quite sad?
i. Do not tell me you love me just because you know that I have feelings for you. It would be nice if you’d feel the same for me, but knowing that you just forced yourself to love because of pity, is twice as painful as knowing that you could never love me. Do not force your feelings. If you do, then you do. But if you don’t, that would be fine to me. At the beginning, I already told myself that there is a chance that you may never fall for me the same way as I fall for you and that is okay. I am aware that you cannot get everything you want and things doesn’t always come your way.
ii. Do not tell me you love me just because you got attracted to me. Darling, I am telling you. Love is not just a physical attraction. Love is far beyond that. If you fall because of someone’s physical appearance, then maybe, it’s plain attraction. If you fall because of their wits and their ability to persuade people through their words, or if you fall because of their talents and skills, that for me is admiration. If you fall for their body, then that is lust. But if you fall without any reason, and you just wake up feeling like you cannot live without them, then maybe, that is love. Love has diverse meanings. But you know what I mean, don’t say you love me when you are not sure of what are you feeling. Sometimes, it could be mistaken to crush, infatuations and other stuff. But they are all swallow and love has a deeper context, remember that.
iii. Do not tell me you love me just because you need someone to tell you “I love you too.” If you are feeling empty, and you need you think a significant other immediately, I am sorry but I could never be one. If you really love me, you’ll show your efforts. You won’t mind the test of time. You will definitely wait for the right time. You won’t give up easily just because I didn’t say yes after few months of courtship. If you really want me to say I love you too to you, then make me do it. Show me you are all worth it. If I do see that you are indeed worthy of all the pain I may suffer, then I will readily give you my yes.
iv. Do not tell me you love me when you haven’t seen me at my worst. I am really impulsive. I usually have emotional breakdowns. I am moody. I could be laughing right now, but after just a second, you could see me crying inside my room. I am not that girl who always has her hair fix. Most of the time, you’ll see me in my old loose shirt wearing jeans and my favorite pair of sneakers. You can’t force me to wear heels and skirts because they are not my thing. My hair is always a mess, I eat a lot, I snore when I sleep- those are things that might turn you off. So please, don’t say you love me unless you could handle me during my worst.
v. Do not tell me you love me unless you really do.
There are times that when I look at you, everything seems to vanish from the scene. Just like how a photographic instrument would focus its subject and blurred all the unnecessary details giving me the chance to stare at you completely. When I look at you, I don’t just see a smiling human being. Instead, I see an individual screaming for help- wanting to be saved from his own tragedy. Those things that seems to be invisible to the eyes of most of the people you know, is clear to me. I can see all of those. And it pains me knowing that I cannot do anything to save you from your own melancholy. I know, your agony is slowly engulfing you.
Hidden in the depths of your heart, are scars that simultaneously pain you. Scars which remain hidden to people. Scars that seemed to be perpetual. Hidden behind your smile, is the frown you are trying to hide. You want people to regard you as a strong individual, but the truth is, you are vulnerable. You are easily damaged. Because you are fragile. You’ve been hurt more than people could ever imagine. Tears fall down your face as you, watch your own pieces shatter on the floor you once called as your own stage. You’ve tried to fix yourself, but there are still empty holes to fill- I know, those are located in your heart. The spaces to fill are in the depths of your heart but no one could see that because they believed in the smile on your face.
Things could always get better, or worse. In time, maybe you’ll find someone to fulfill the spaces in your heart that makes it hard for you to breathe. Or in the other hand, maybe you’ll find yourself torn into thousands of pieces again.
But if you are going to ask me, It would be my privilege to fulfill the spaces in your heart even if it means that I have to get some from mine just to fix the gaps in yours.