Never listen to my mouth because it speaks nothing but lies. Though I am suffering and secretly dying inside, you will hear nothing but “I am okay.” It hinders people from understanding what I really feel inside. My mouth is the reason why every single person thinks that I am strong- that I do not need any companion for I can do it by myself. But behind every “I’m okay” my mouth says, is my heart, slowly falling apart and turning into dusts.
Never believe my lips because it will show you nothing but smiles. Despite of everything, my lips always try to smile no matter what. Even if I am being engulfed by agony, even if I stay awake all night because of my night-long laments, still, I would smile in front of people I would meet everyday. I do not want others to feel sorry for me. I do not want them to think of me as a weak, sensitive girl who seeks attention by means of getting emotional every now and then. I smile so that people would think that I am okay.
Never believe the words I wrote in my letters because I could easily fake them. I could easily tell you that I am fine and that I am perfectly okay despite of the fact that I am actually seeking for someone’s help because I am about to breakdown. I could easily lie to you. I could put all happy-related terms in my letter and none of them might actually be true.
The world is full of lies and so am I. “I’m sad” could easily be replaced with “I’m fine”. An “I love you” could easily be replaced with an “I’ve moved on.” You see, lies are almost everywhere. But darling, if you really want to know, the real me. If you really want to read me- look straight into my eyes and it will tell you every single thing about me.
I know burying hate in the depths of my heart will bring me no good. But tell me, how do you let go of the grudges you have been keeping for almost a year and more. How do you try to keep calm whenever that person is in your sight? How do you remain at peace whenever you remember how they throw shits about you?
Tell me, how do you forgive someone who have scarred your heart?
How do you forget every single bad memories?
To be honest, I do not mind if this hatred resides inside me for eternity. But it’s consuming me- the entirety of me. And just yet, I have to control my every single emotion inside of me.
It’s so hard to accept that months from now, I will become an official alumna of my alma mater. All these pile of works will be finished. Truly, time flies so fast. It was as if, it was only yesterday when we walk inside a room full of unfamiliar faces and now, in a few months’ time, we have to say good bye to the people we have been seeing for almost everyday in four short years. We can still see them, yes, in their profiles in some social networking sites. But you know, we will always long for that feeling of talking to them personally, laughing because of a hilarious joke. In other words, their presence will truly be missed.
Another painful thing, is when memories flash before your eyes. When you look at your pictures and remember how happy that moment was, when you re-read your conversations with your friends about that girl you both hate so much, when you see the visual aids you created with your group mates, when you look at your notebooks, your work texs- almost everything. It is truly painful. Then you’ll blame yourself for not enjoying every second while they are still there. When you realize that everything you’re doing with them right now will soon be memories is truly heart breaking.
I can imagine myself crying as I look at them during our graduation day- wearing our over-sized togas and graduation hats. That would be a very painful yet satisfying moment.
I know, imagining stuff like this could hurt me but I am just preparing myself from the bittersweet reality that I will soon face.
"You are my star."
"Every single one of us is a star."
"But you are the shiniest of them all. And I doubt if anyone could burn as bright as you do."
"There are a lot. You cannot see them because they may be faraway from you."
"Or maybe your gleams are all I could see."
Don’t tell me you love me unless you were able to handle me at my worst. I am a mess and I admit that. I bring nothing but trouble and oftentimes, I am wrong. I am aware of that. If you think you love me, well, think again. I do not want you to suffer because of me. I do not want to cause you any sadness for I would never want to see your smile fade away. My actions might harm you. My words may pain you and my idiocy may annoy you.
I do believe that you deserve someone better. Someone who could give you the love you truly deserve. Someone who could make you smile and make you feel loved. I know I was destined to be alone. Go on, find another person. Do not waste your time on me. I may be a shooting star just like what you have said, but remember, sooner or later, I will stop burning brightly and eventually, lose my splendor.
And it’s not that I do not like you. It’s just that I care about you so much that I wouldn’t mind if I got hurt upon your farewell because I will have to bear an even more painful scar in my heart if I see you sad because of me.
I do not have any idea on how could I bid this two-syllable word without my tears falling from my eyes. Every second that passes by, it gets closer- the moment when you actually have to leave. It’s hard to accept the fact that sooner or later, my eyes won’t be able to see you in person. It’s hard to accept the fact that I have to constantly remind myself that you are not here anymore. That no matter how hard I reach for you, I won’t be able to touch you. Just like how I long for the horizon only my eyesight could reach.
Even if I can still see you, I now long for you. I just hate this feeling wherein I feel like even if you’re still close to me, there’s this barrier that hinders me from doing things with you or saying those things that I need to say. Maybe it’s because of the known fact that sooner or later, you’ll say farewell, and I, too.
Your morning will soon be my evening. When I wake up, you’ll have to hit the hay already. The same environment we’re living in right now, will soon be different. The season will change in your place, but mine will remain the same. You’ll see different faces while I’ll remain surrounded by familiar faces.
I can’t do anything to stop you. As much as I want to be with you for a longer period of time, I can’t. Because this is what’s good for you. There is nothing special about me that will surely make a mark in your heart, but I assure you that all of the memories and stories we’ve shared together will be kept inside my heart. These memories will be treasured just like how letters are kept inside a well maintained box.
It’s hard to accept the fact that no one could see the pain I am hiding behind my smile. The people around me don’t even realize that I am drowning in this infinite pool of melancholy and to be honest, I’m getting pretty much tired of trying to gasp some happiness from the surface above because I can barely encounter some. Every single one of them are filled with ecstasy that they do not care if others lack.
The world is full of sadness and darkness and I am quite sure of that.
It’s because you don’t even have time to look at the bigger picture. You just focus on what your eyes want to see. Not on what it should see. You are being blinded by the emotions you are feeling. You are blinded by the pain you are feeling. You don’t realize that a lot of people around you are being affected by the way you treat them, by the way you act.
One day, all your prejudices will be proven wrong and you are going to eat every single word that you say.
Love is not about picking a flower for the girl you are courting.
Love is showing the beautiful flower to the girl you are courting for you cannot bear to give her something that will whither and die soon.
Same as your love, you gave it to her because you are aware that in any case, you know, it will not whither but rather grow into something more beautiful than a rose.
You know what is painful?
It’s when you can see with your own very eyes that your country is falling apart. I am aware that the Filipino spirit is truly strong and that no problem could hinder it from standing up and facing tomorrow but you see, it’s like we’re being put into a lot of tests. Just recently, Bohol and other parts of Visayas were shocked by a magnitude seven earthquake which caused a lot of damages. A historic church was even destroyed because of that incident. A lot of houses as well as buildings fell down. Imagining people crying for help makes me weak. I do not sympathize with them. I empathize with them. I put myself in their shoes and I tell you, it’s horrible. To stand in front of your destroyed house and imagine where to start. It’s really heart breaking.
And now, here comes this terribly big storm. And the thing is, it will pass mostly in the Visayas region where the earthquake brought damages just weeks ago. It’s really painful to see your fellow countrymen experiencing such chaos specially when all you can do is to watch the news and stay updated to what is happening there. It’s hard to just sit down on your couch knowing that a lot of people are in the evacuation centers right now where it is crowded. If I could just do something that will help them ease the pain they are feeling right now, I’d readily and gladly do it. If I could just rescue people. If I just have a lot of money to give them foods.
But in any case and anyway, my prayers are for them- for all of us.