Cogito Ergo Sum ☆
Do not make me believe in any false comparison.

i. Do not tell me that my eyes are like the stars. Do not tell me that it brightens up your evening sky. There is one thing I am sure of- my eyes don’t have gleams. They are dull and not that expressive. There is nothing special about it in fact, when I look at them in the mirror, they do not reflect the stupendous galaxies above rather, an image of an unattractive woman. Stars are truly elfin. Stars, they shine even they are beyond my horizon. Stars are just too magical to be compared with something dun like my eyes.

ii. Do not tell me that my lips are like roses. Roses are truly delicate and romantic while my lips has nothing to do with being precious. My lips are even more pale than a dying patient’s lips. They are lifeless and lack vivid hues.  If my lips were to be painted,  not even a bystander would care enough to look at it and appreciate it. Simply because it is boring. So darling, please, just don’t.

iii. Do not tell me that my hair is like vines; flourishing in time. Darling, I do not even have time to comb my hair and most of the time, it has a drowsy look. It does not stay in place all the time. It does not sway together with the wind. I can see no beauty in it at all. 

iv. Do not tell me that I am as beautiful as spring time. Spring time is such a wonderful season. The trees, from being bare, to beauteous one. It’s like from being dead, to being alive. I have nothing to do with being alive. I’m physically alive, but my inside is dead, I tell you. Passive, as they all said. Silence engulfed me long time ago. I find peace in silence. 

v. Do not tell me that I am the sun of your life. You see, it is not that I do not love you. It’s just that, I cannot light up your life the way the sun does. I myself, loves darkness and I am afraid, that’s all I got. I am afraid that my presence will just bring darkness in your life. I do not want you to hide inside this pitch-dark abyss I’m into. I want you to live your life in the midst of a flower fields where all you can see are colors and beauty. 

vi. Just don’t compare me with all these heavenly objects. Your metaphors might hit my heart hard. And I may fall in love with you. I am nothing but mischief and trouble. I want you to find happiness and you might fail to do so upon choosing me. 

6 November 2013

Once there was a king. He lives in a far away land where it doesn’t usually rain. Tulips and some rare plants grow there. It is a utopia as other people said. He has everything a lady would want in a partner. He is handsome, kind, lovable and understanding. But one thing is lacking from him- bravery. He is the most coward person you’ll ever meet in your entire life. He is afraid to go outside his kingdom because of his belief about the life of royalties- they will always end up being killed by a bunch of people who envy them and wants the throne for themselves. However, he managed to live his life normally. The realms of his palace provides him happiness and safety.
One day, he heard about the news about a princess who is locked inside an underground cave that is being guarded by a sphinx. He wants to save the princess so that he could have the love story he’d always wanted but of course, something holds him back- his cowardliness. Because of that, he called his three favorite knights and ordered them to search for the said princess and slay that sphinx. He assured that whoever save the princess first, will have a great gift from him.
The three knights started their quest. All of them eager to find the princess before the others does.
The first knight, named Arthuro, is really brave and wanted to have the prize. So without asking people for help, he immediately went into the woods not realizing that it’s not the right way. Arthuro got killed by a bear when he was sleeping because of tiredness.
The second knight, Victor searched for the princess night and day. But he is a glutton and on the third day, he found out that he already ate all his food. He died because of starvation. Just like Arthuro, he failed to do his quest.
The last knight, Thomas is truly wise. He asked others for help and managed to save his food so that he will not die of hunger. He found the place and since he’s clever, he killed the sphinx and was able to save the princess.
Princess Mariella was crying when he first saw it. The princess immediately hugged him. “Thank you.” She whispered. “You wouldn’t believe all the horrible things that monster did to me.” She added. Thomas asked him to tell him stories but then the princess refused. She said that she doesn’t want to remember anything. “Help me forget all of those. I’m just glad you saved me my knight and shining armor.” Thomas smiled and they went home together.
Upon their journey, the princess admitted that her feelings for him kindled and that she is already in love with him. He was about to admit his love for her too but then he remembered that he has a quest to fulfill and he doesn’t want to betray the kind king who helped him in almost every aspect of his life. So he just smiled and pet the hair of the princess.
He fell in love with someone whom he could never call as “his princess.” Sometimes, he just wants to hug her but he is trying his best not to show his love. When they are just a mile away from the kingdom of the king, he decided to tell her about the quest. That he went there because a king ordered him to. She begged him to just runaway with her and live in a place where no one knows them. He refused.
Later that day, they arrived in the kingdom and Thomas told the king about the good news. The king was delighted and gave him tons of treasures. He was about to leave the room but then the king said “I have one last favor.” “What is it, my king?” “I want you to be the best man in our wedding which will be held later.” “Sure.”
With tears in his eyes, he walked away. He walked pass a room where he saw the love of his life. Servants of the king is fixing her hair already and was already dressing her up. She is like the most beautiful star above. All he could do is to look at him because even if he reaches his hands too high, he could never touch it. Just like how close, yet so far the princess is to him.
The matrimony started. The priest started talking. After a while, the king said “I do.” Then the princess said those too. Then before the king and princess kissed, the princess said “I love you” while looking at Thomas. Tears roll down her face as the king unveil her. Then they kissed.
The king lived happily ever after but the princess and Thomas will live  with the pain of not marrying the person they really love.

People could always fall in love deeply with someone but there is no assurance that they will end up together.

2 November 2013

My father died when I was still in grade one. That was roughly nine years ago. It was before, when I thought that I have no chance of being happy since someone important left me- left us with all the what if’s and wonders of what would it be like if he is still with us. I thought that my life will be kind of empty. But I was wrong. Papa left us because his mission in this world is done and he wants us to learn couple of things. Papa left us because he wants mama to be strong. Right now, mama is really a strong person who knows how to surpass the mazes in this labyrinth we’re into. I know, papa is really happy to see mama that way. Mama is my mother-slash-father. She is someone whom I can tell my feelings too, and she is also someone who could protect me just like what fathers do. In my relatives’ part, papa wants them to live happily and seize every moment. Papa, is a jolly person. That is why they want them to do the same; to make the most out of their life and live everyday as it’s the last. As for me, papa wants me to be independent and strong enough to face life’s challenges together with my mother. He wants me to stay strong for my mother and he wants the same for me too; he wants my mother to be strong for me too. Simply, he wants us to live like nothing happened. To move on and go on in our journey without him. He is truly gone but just how the cliche goes, he is never forgotten. He may not be with us, physically, to let us feel what it would be like to have a husband, a father, a relative or a great friend but because of his farewell, he assured that we will all learn something upon his death.

-

Anon asked: Are you still hurt?

My answer: If you are going to ask me if it still hurts, the scar in my heart that I got upon losing my father, yes it does. But you see, you don’t let one incident hold you back from living your life and walking forward.

1 November 2013
Something about chaos

I cannot accurately define what chaos is. I believe that even if I put all the words from dictionaries, still, it would not be enough for me to say what chaos really means. But I do know that there are situations that could define my own concept of chaos.

When you are writing a very long reflection paper and then suddenly, your desktop shut down and you realized that you did not save your file, that is chaos. When your teacher just announced that she will be having a graded recitation and you realized that you haven’t read your notes yet, that is chaos. When everything you do seems wrong, that is chaos. 

but of course, all of those are on the lighter side. 

When the news you just saw and heard is all about people, killing each other and you stand there, wanting to help them, but you can’t, that’s chaos. When innocent civilians are victimized by wars they don’t even take part of, that’s chaos. When you see the world fall apart, and you can’t even pick up the pieces because you are afraid it may hurt you- that is chaos.

15 October 2013
How to kill me:

i. Stab me with your words. Kill me with your messages that brings up tears in my eyes. Write me letters telling me I am not worth it. Tell me that you are done with me and that you no longer want me in your life. Tell me that my part in your life has already ended. Write me a long poem that ends up with the statement like “I regret meeting you.” or “Get lost.” Use your words like a knife and point them into my heart. Then slowly tear my heart apart. Look at me while my blood shed on the floor as I read your letters. By that, I should be killed.

ii. Lock me up in a room of silence. Make me feel like I am all by myself and that I have no one to talk to. Make me feel alone. Bring me to parties just to see you socializing with people while I sit the corner of the room, alone. Lock me up in walls you build by yourself. Throw the key in a place I do not know. Do not reply when I text you. Do not write back when I send you letters. Do not answer when I call. Most specially, be away from me. When time comes that I feel alone although people are surrounding me, you can then be sure that slowly, I shall be killed.

iii. Poison me with lies. Tell me you love me even if you don’t. Tell me that you can’t live without me even if you can’t. Make me believe in all your sugar-coated words then make me realize that none of them was true. Tell me you miss me even it’s not me that you miss, but instead, just the presence of someone. Tell me I am your number one priority even if I am in number 3492082023 in your list. Tell me lies, make me believe. Then after making me believe, frankly tell me that you do not mean any of those. Or your could just let me discover those by myself. I guess, that will hurt even more. 

iv. Let me break myself by means of falling into someone who is not willing to catch me. Make me love you. Make me fall for you. Then, do not catch me. Leave me in the midst of a cold place. Look at my shattered pieces then walk away as if you did not see anything. Walk, and never look behind. 

v. Let me watch you fall in love with someone else why I stand behind you- trying to offer my heart to you.

14 October 2013

Just please, tell me that you still see the stars in my eyes. Tell me that the feeling inside you still kindles and that it is far from burning out.  Whisper to me all the things I wanted to hear. Tell me that you feel the same way too. But above all, this is what I need to continue fighting: for me to know that you are fighting for me, too. 

6 October 2013

Nobody said it was going to be easy.
But you fell. You gave your heart to someone whose love was never certain. The beginning was fine. It was never sweeter. Problems may pass but you always surpass it. You saw a glimpse of paradise in his eyes and you could never be thankful enough. Now, the downfall happens. He is giving your heart back- but in pieces. And you can’t help but to question entities and gods about your fate. You cried but nothing happened. You are still broken into tiny sharpened pieces.
It is really hard to say good bye. Because just when you thought that you were over him, the memories flash right before your eyes. Back to zero once again.

5 October 2013

I believe that it is truly necessary for a person to have his own confidant. Someone whom you can tell your secrets to. Someone who has his ears only for you when you need them. There will always be these times wherein you’ll feel like you are all by yourself- that no matter how many people surround you, you’ll always feel isolated and indifferent from all of them. It is truly saddening knowing the fact that you are alone in this world with more than seven billion people in it. That is why we should be very thankful for having someone who could readily listen to our complaints. 

1 October 2013

Level 15.

This day is indeed, one of the highlights of my year. Today is my XXth birthday. First of all, I want to thank God for everything. Without Him, I am nothing and I am truly aware of that. I want to thank Him for giving me the best present of all- my life. I want to thank Him for staying with me through my ups and downs. In everything that I do, everywhere that I go, He is always beside me, holding my hand to ensure that I will not be harmed. None of this would be possible without Him.

Second, I want to thank my family, specially my mother for organizing a superb birthday for me. My mom slept so late just because she is busy fixing stuff for my birthday. I can see it in her that she wants me to be very happy. When me and my classmates got home, everything was fixed and all we have to do is to eat and enjoy the moment. But of course, it is not only because they are responsible for my party but because they never failed to make me feel loved. They are simply the best. They are supportive, funny and can be your confidant if you ever need one. I am indeed, so blessed to be part of our family.

Third, my batch mates who went to our house to celebrate my birthday with me. Without them, there would be no extreme happiness surrounding our place. They are very good when it comes to humor. And I am indeed, blessed to celebrate my special day with them. I happy to spend a very special day with them. That even though we are filled with tasks and stuff, they still found time to come to our place and celebrate my birthday. As an Engineering and Science Education Program student, our schedule is very hectic. Them, giving time for me is very, very precious. Though not all of my friends came to our house, still, I understand them because I know they might have some errands to do.

Fourth, my tumblr friends, followers, readers and etc. Thank you so much for greeting me! Your messages mean so much to me. Thank you for sparing some of your time to drop by my ask box and wish me a happy birthday. Thank you, thank you so much. I love you, all.

I am just so thankful for the Lord have given me a very awesome family and set of real life friends as well as online friends. I can never be more thankful enough. 

30 September 2013

Things that I constantly miss:

  • Kisses- These are the jelly like substances you put in water so you could watch them grow and reproduce.
  • Chinese garter- My favorite game of all time. 
  • Piko- The reason why my feet are always dirty. It is because when I play this, I make sure to remove my slippers so that I won’t occupy too much space thus stepping on the lines will be hard.
  • Langit-lupa- A very strenuous in which you are required to run for your life. If a playmate tagged you, then you lose your life and you may lose one turn (and that’s terribly sad because you sit there in  the corner watching your other friends play).
  • Tamagotchi- Those cute and cuddly virtual pet which requires 24/7 care. It is like having a pet everywhere you go. 
  • Bag with wheels- You know, those bags that we use when we’re still in our elementary days. 
  • Patintero- The game which taught me how to be quick and strategic. 
  • Marie, Vinegar Pusit and Tatoo- My all time favorite “tigpi-piso foods”. They really good. And I miss eating these chips. 

These are just some of the things I constantly miss. I just miss my childhood days. With these simple things, a child could be happy already. Unlike now, people need a lot of gadgets for them to be happy. I just miss the fact that before, people do not need android phones nor iPhones for them to have fun. Life is so simple before. This is one downside of modernization. Right now, I hardly see kids play these games. When I walk pass by a computer shop, all I see are children about the age of nine or ten playing dota or counter strike. Isn’t it quite sad? 

23 September 2013