I just want to go in a shopping spree wherein everything is free and I will just get whatever I want. I want to shop without thinking of the bills and how to get home when I lost all the money that I have. I will surely get tons of books if that happens because I’d rather have this paperback book in which I could smell and flip the pages rather than using this e-book in which all I could do is to scroll down while I read this certain novel. Nothing compares to the feeling of having this book you really love so much. It’s not just part of your collection but it is your very own treasure.
However, having a chance to have a shopping spree wherein you could get everything for free has around (maybe) ten or five percent of becoming real. And that really hurts knowing that a lot of books are worthy of being read by individuals but they cannot since they don’t have enough money to buy one or in other case, they do not have an electronic gadget to download its e-book.
Surrounded with blanket of gleaming stars, placed in the vastness of the sky, I look outside the window looking at the moon, wondering if it is staring back at me. Though inanimate, the moon has been my confidant; knows all my secret. From midnight to dawn, I talk to it though it never responded. I feel safe, I feel assured. I feel like someone is always there to listen. When six am approaches, my friend starts to leave, telling me to go to sleep.
It is during summer when I feel most lonely. I barely see my friend during those times. I wonder why he have to keep itself hidden though for me, it is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my entire existence.
Then I realized the reason why it doesn’t respond to me. It has its own problems. It envies the sun. The sun, shows up during the times when people are all outside their houses. People could appreciate it’s beauty. However, when it comes to the moon, people are sleeping quietly during the times when it is being displayed in the sky.
The moon made me realize that what makes life fair is that people think life is unfair. The truth is life is unfair to all of us which makes it all fair. Everything, even my confidant, the moon has its own problems.
She had enough. Everyday, she wakes up feeling so incomplete. There is always something missing about her though she is not aware of what is it. She is sad, completely sad. You may see her smiling, but behind that smile is something you cannot even imagine. You may see her smiling when she is with some of her colleagues but she was never genuinely happy. There is always this sadness that engulfs her no matter what. And agony always win over happiness. She is too tired of doing the same old routine. She wakes up early in the morning. Then she eats some unhealthy food she finds delicious. She then goes to school and sees people whom she could not care less about. Everyday, she is forced to plaster a smile on her face so that people won’t see any evidence of the pain she is suffering. Her only true companion is a book consisting of pages with dog-eared corners. A book who perfectly defines her situation. She have read this book for nth times already.
Then one day, she thought of the cessation of her life. She went down to the kitchen and found a sharp, pointed knife. She brought it upstairs, in her room, where no one could see her. As the edge of the knife touched her pale skin, she cried and remembered her life when she was still a small kid. Everything was perfect and full of happiness. She was made up of glitters and sparkles while to world is a big playground made up of candies and other sweets. She was wrong. The world is a scary place. She continued to press the knife to her skin. She then realized that she is not made up of glitters. When she cut herself, she bleed blood, not glitters.
We used to talk the same language. We used to travel the same road. We used to laugh at things together. We both sworn that we are going to write our own story. But that story, unfortunately, came to an end. The story didn’t last.
Now, I’m all alone and you seemed to be very happy. From a distance, I watch you as you laugh together with your colleagues. Your face exhibits no evidence of agony. But I can see it in the windows of your soul that you are, definitely glad and joyful. I want to think that you are not okay. That behind your smile is the pain you are feeling because you lost your world- just like what you’ve said years ago. You told me that I was your world. I told you that I do not want to be your world, just your favorite part. But you insisted. I hope you still see me as that because when it comes to me, you are, and will always be my world.
The reason why I ran away, is because I want to see if you’re going to follow. But you didn’t. You let go of me the same way as how the branches of trees let go of their leaves during fall. You walked the other way. I kept on looking at you but you never looked back.
It pains me to that you’re far from me. But what’s even more painful is that you are making ways to be farther. I should have hold on. But I cannot blame you for leaving me. Who stays anyway.
At first glance, I knew you were someone different.
At the back of my mind, I knew that you are going to be the subject of the poems I will write. I knew that you are going to be the person in my paintings. I knew you’d have a special place in my heart. And I was correct. From the first time I saw, until now, that we’re already close to each other, my feelings never went away. You will always be that someone I’ll always moon over.
Seasons are changing. Leaves are falling. The Earth simultaneously revolves around its axis. Everything seems to be changing. People starts leaving, chapters are ending yet, my feelings remained constant. I guess, my love for you surpassed the test of time. But this is not it. There’s still a lot of tests that I should surpass before I could say that this is definitely love.
You’re hundred miles away from me. Maybe thousands, but it doesn’t matter anyway. When I was a kid, I thought that friends are those who are always with you, physically. I thought that they are the ones who can come into your room and comfort you during painful situations. That is what I believed. I told myself that when a person leaves and moves into somewhere far away from me, she is no longer my friend for she can no longer give me a hug when I need one.
But those are my beliefs about friendship when I was still a child. Now, I proved younger self wrong. Friendship is not about how close are you to each other physically instead, it’s how close your hearts are. I then realized that sometimes, those who are really far away from you make better friends than those people around you.
I am lucky to have such friends. Those that could make me smile through their posts. Those that could ease my emotions through their messages. I realized that I could even trust them with my secrets. They are worth my trust as well as my time.
What I always wanted to tell my faraway friends: Thank you so much for being there when I have no one to tell my rants to. Just remember that even if you’re far away from me, you’ll always have a special place in my heart. Even if you go farther, and these thousand miles between us becomes million miles, still, my love for you will remain. You will always be a special friend who knows me and my hidden emotions. Remember if you ever need someone to talk to, I will always be here. I will always be a confidant of yours because you are my confidant too.
How I wish that you live next our house so that we can have slumber parties and such. I believe that would be awesome. And so I could go into your house if you’re alone, and in my house if I am, too. We can talk just by peeking from our window. I am sure we’ll do a lot of crazy stuff.
I know I have this little chance of meeting you personally. Actually, there’s a chance that I may never meet you personally, but still, thank you for being a prerequisite of who am I right now. I wish you could feel how thankful am I for knowing someone like you. Here’s a cyberhug from a person miles away from you.
People say that when you love a person, they always seem to be beautiful though they are full of flaws and imperfections. In your eyes, they are the epitome of perfection and no matter how much you try to find something bad about them, you always end up falling even deeper than before because when it comes to you, those negative things about them always turn into positives. They say that it is normal specially when you really love that someone. They will be full of splendor and beauty.
People say that when your physical beauty is gone, the love of people seemed to vanish also. It was as if, their love is dependent to your beauty and without it, their love will also be invalid. But time wipes the beauty in people’s face, and soon, not even a make up could bring back the beauty you lost. I do not know why people consider this crap as love. I do not believe it’s love if the emotions you’re feeling are intensified by physical beauty.
I do believe that it is, however, the other way around. Beauty vanishes when love is gone. When you start to un-love someone, you’ll also start to forget how beautiful they seemed to be when you still moon over them. You’ll forget how beautiful their eyes were and everything about them. And that is, how people lose their beauty in the eyes of someone. But if someone truly loves you, you will always be beautiful for them no matter what. Even if many years have passed.
In the depths of your womb,
I caught a glimpse of the stars
and the beauty of the entire universe.
Your veins are twigs, flourishing in time.
When I came out to the world,
I was indulged with affection.
Thy hands are abode for perpetual love
that shall surpass the test of time.
My love for you is as vast as the oceans,
but your love for me is as vast as the universe.
My love for you is from Earth to the moon,
but your love for me is from Earth to moon and back.
The cosmic dusts, the velvet onyx sky.
The stars in the night, the magical moon.
All are witnesses of the love you give
that can never be measured at all.
Your beauty can never be compared,
for you are an epitome of love and perfection.
Despite my flaws, you love me still
and I can never be more thankful for that.
Thank you for being a shining guide
in this journey inside a pitch-black abyss.
From the deepest corners of my heart,
I appreciate your very existence.
I usually wake up at this time. Sometimes, my day starts too early and I can’t think of any thing better to than to close my eyes and sleep again. I will jump out of bed and walk in my pajamas. Brush my teeth, wash my face, drink some coffee and read my favorite book. I do not exercise or run outside our house to see the wonderful morning. In contrary, I prefer to just lock myself inside my room and remain hidden to most of the people.
I’ll start to look outside the window. It’s almost sunset and the moon is getting ready to bid hello to the creatures below him. I’ll then regret the fact that I didn’t go outside to take a stroll or to appreciate the beauty of the place I’m living in because this is the time when the rays allow me to see its beauty like never before but it’s too late because darkness is slowly engulfing the area.
This is the time when I can’t stop my tears from falling because I just finished reading the book and the characters in the story left a scar in my heart and questions in my mind. I’m still inside my room, alone in the dark. No one to talk to, no one to share my emotions with. This is the time when I start to ask myself the reason why am I alone. I never found the answer until…
Another day have passed. Another day that I’ve wasted. Another beautiful day that was supposed to be full of different memories and experiences with my loved ones. This is the time when I ask myself this question: “Am I living? or am I just existing?”. I can’t even remember the last time I felt completely happy.
I feel so empty inside. There are billions of people in this world. Why am I alone? There’s got to be someone, even just a single person who can be with me during times likes this. This is the time when I’ll start to play music that intensifies my emotions. Then I’ll write my feelings down, in my old journal. My inanimate best friend.
"You’re alone because you always isolate yourself." Ah, that’s it. Then I cry myself to sleep, wondering why am I such a mess.
I wish I could erase all our memories in my head just like how I erased all your messages in my phone.
I have to admit, forgetting you was and will never be easy. I did everything I could. I deleted your messages, throw everything you gave me but still, your memories haunt me every single day. When I’m alone, I remember all the things we used to do and how happy I was when we’re still in good terms. The way you made me smile when I failed to accomplish something and the way you tell me that I should never give up. Your memories always flash right before my eyes. I hate how your words still resides in my mind. I hate how the stars remind me of your eyes and how the waves resemble your hair. Why does everything have to remind me of you?
It’s just so peculiar that after how many years, you are still in my mind and what’s scary about it is that this has the possibility to continue in the next days, months or even years. I don’t want to be caged by the memories we created. I know you’ve already moved and that you’ve accepted that we’ll be in separate ways but what’s unclear to me is that how can you forget everything that we had so easily? I mean, all of that, was everything a joke to you? Because I tried so hard but I can’t. So I’m wondering if you could tell me the reason why you dumped everything that we had so easily.
"What if I said sorry?" "What if I told you that you still have the chance?". Oh gods know how messed up my mind is because I kept on thinking about what ifs. Questions never left my mind. I kept on looking at my phone to see if you’re going to text me and ask for my forgiveness. I kept looking outside the window to see if you’re going to come in my place and talk to me personally. I kept on waiting but you never came. I guess I was that easy to forget. I’m sorry for holding on by this very thin thread. Because to be honest, I am still hoping, wishing for something impossible to happen.
People tried to make me happy but they can’t make me happy the same way as you do. Maybe in time, I’ll realize that you’re not coming back, but if by chance, can you make me realize that you are worth the wait? Just remember that as long as I can withstand this pain, I’ll wait for you.