Cogito Ergo Sum ☆

i. Do not tell me you love me just because you know that I have feelings for you. It would be nice if you’d feel the same for me, but knowing that you just forced yourself to love because of pity, is twice as painful as knowing that you could never love me. Do not force your feelings. If you do, then you do. But if you don’t, that would be fine to me. At the beginning, I already told myself that there is a chance that you may never fall for me the same way as I fall for you and that is okay. I am aware that you cannot get everything you want and things doesn’t always come your way.

ii. Do not tell me you love me just because you got attracted to me. Darling, I am telling you. Love is not just a physical attraction. Love is far beyond that. If you fall because of someone’s physical appearance, then maybe, it’s plain attraction. If you fall because of their wits and their ability to persuade people through their words, or if you fall because of their talents and skills, that for me is admiration. If you fall for their body, then that is lust. But if you fall without any reason, and you just wake up feeling like you cannot live without them, then maybe, that is love. Love has diverse meanings. But you know what I mean, don’t say you love me when you are not sure of what are you feeling. Sometimes, it could be mistaken to crush, infatuations and other stuff. But they are all swallow and love has a deeper context, remember that.

iii. Do not tell me you love me just because you need someone to tell you “I love you too.” If you are feeling empty, and you need you think a significant other immediately, I am sorry but I could never be one. If you really love me, you’ll show your efforts. You won’t mind the test of time. You will definitely wait for the right time. You won’t give up easily just because I didn’t say yes after few months of courtship. If you really want me to say I love you too to you, then make me do it. Show me you are all worth it. If I do see that you are indeed worthy of all the pain I may suffer, then I will readily give you my yes.

iv. Do not tell me you love me when you haven’t seen me at my worst. I am really impulsive. I usually have emotional breakdowns. I am moody. I could be laughing right now, but after just a second, you could see me crying inside my room. I am not that girl who always has her hair fix. Most of the time, you’ll see me in my old loose shirt wearing jeans and my favorite pair of sneakers. You can’t force me to wear heels and skirts because they are not my thing. My hair is always a mess, I eat a lot, I snore when I sleep- those are things that might turn you off. So please, don’t say you love me unless you could handle me during my worst.

v. Do not tell me you love me unless you really do.

22 September 2013

There are times that when I look at you, everything seems to vanish from the scene. Just like how a photographic instrument would focus its subject and blurred all the unnecessary details giving me the chance to stare at you completely. When I look at you, I don’t just see a smiling human being. Instead, I see an individual screaming for help- wanting to be saved from his own tragedy. Those things that seems to be invisible to the eyes of most of the people you know, is clear to me. I can see all of those. And it pains me knowing that I cannot do anything to save you from your own melancholy. I know, your agony is slowly engulfing you. 

Hidden in the depths of your heart, are scars that simultaneously pain you. Scars which remain hidden to people. Scars that seemed to be perpetual. Hidden behind your smile, is the frown you are trying to hide. You want people to regard you as a strong individual, but the truth is, you are vulnerable. You are easily damaged. Because you are fragile. You’ve been hurt more than people could ever imagine. Tears fall down your face as you, watch your own pieces shatter on the floor you once called as your own stage. You’ve tried to fix yourself, but there are still empty holes to fill- I know, those are located in your heart. The spaces to fill are in the depths of your heart but no one could see that because they believed in the smile on your face.

Things could always get better, or worse. In time, maybe you’ll find someone to fulfill the spaces in your heart that makes it hard for you to breathe. Or in the other hand, maybe you’ll find yourself torn into thousands of pieces again. 

But if you are going to ask me, It would be my privilege to fulfill the spaces in your heart even if it means that I have to get some from mine just to fix the gaps in yours.

22 September 2013

But I am pretty much sure that you will later on forget the memories that we have created.You will soon forget the beauty of the sky when we first gaze at it together. You will soon forget how happy we were before. You will soon forget the taste of our favorite food. You will soon forget the splendor of my dress when we had our first dance. You will soon forget the color of my eyes- the eyes you fell in love with before. You will soon forget the surprises you gave me and the efforts you’ve give writing those letters.

and above all, you will soon forget how much you loved me before everything went wrong.

You will soon forget every single detail about us while I stay in love, victimized by unrequited love. 

And as the time passes by, I will let my heart be broken by the words left unsaid- by the words I am dying to tell you even before we went on separate ways. I will let my mind be disturbed by thoughts of you, wondering if I ever crossed your mind or that you’re hurting the same way as I am. I will let the entirety of me be haunted by the memories we have created together.

17 September 2013

We are all infallible. 

There are times when you feel like you are nothing but a worthless piece of crap. You think that you are not capable of doing anything good. Thoughts like this urge you to cease your life because you think that if you live any longer, you will commit more mistakes than you’ve ever done.

Let me tell you this, we are not perfect. Though a lot of people strive their hardest to be one. No matter what we do, we will always (Re: ALWAYS) commit mistakes because it is part of learning. It is part of growing. It is part of knowing what is wrong to what is right. Don’t be afraid to commit errors. These will all be prerequisites of you. 

And don’t you ever think that you are a worthless individual. You are here for a reason. If you haven’t found that reason, that’s okay. You’ll discover it maybe some other time. But do not get frustrated. Find the reason why you should make your life worthy. 

15 September 2013
on abortion

The depths of your womb is my refuge- that is what I believed until that day.

I thought, I was the product of your love and dad’s. I thought I was made out of love. I stand corrected. I then realized that I was made plainly with your desire. When you and dad have sex, you were not expecting for someone like me. You thought the medicines you are taking could actually stop your gametes from creating an offspring. I know mom, it was his birthday. He asked you if you love him, you readily agreed. Then he added, “then prove to me that you do.” You did mom. You said that it is all because you love him, but mom, it’s not love. It’s lust mom. You only listen to your body’s desire. Lust won over love. 

Three months after that incident, you went to a hospital. I was awakened by my own heart beat. It was so fast, mom. It’s like I’ve been running for hours, trying to save my life from something I do not know. Mom, to be honest, I am scared. Not for myself, but for you. I am afraid something might have happened to you. Mom, I am scared. It’s like something is gonna happen. But mama, I know, you’ll protect me. I know you’ll save me from anything that will cause harm to me. 

A tube like object appeared beside me. I wonder what this is. I wonder if it’s something used to ensure that I am safe. But after a few moments, the material seemed to be attacking me. I swam together with the fluid inside your womb. Mom, I am trying to save myself. I am trying to escape this thing. Please, cease this object from attacking me. I continued swimming. I can feel the tension in you through this chord that connects you and I. Mom, what is happening? Are you trying to kill me? Are you trying to abort me?  I’m screaming but you can’t hear me. 

I’m sorry mom. I’m sorry for trying to save myself when all you ever want is to get rid of me. 

It saddens me to think that I won’t be able to see the world. I won’t be able to play in those green fields with you. I won’t be able to meet amazing friends and colleagues. I won’t be able to prove to you how much I love you and that I could sacrifice my own life just for you. I won’t be able to hear your heart beat when I sleep in your chest. I won’t be able to hug and kiss you. But you know what’s worse, mom? Is that I won’t be able to see your beautiful face and be able to wipe your tears during the hardest times. 

But whatever it is, I hope your decision was made out of love. I love you, mom. I will always be here, guiding you from above though you did not gave me a chance to guide you in real life. 

14 September 2013

This is for those people who still feel the pain of losing their loved ones because they died in this very day. This is for those people who lost their significant others because they were working so hard for their marriage. This is for all the survivors who managed to live life normally after experiencing breakdowns every night because they were haunted by the incident. This is for all the victims of the 9/11 attack.

This is for those children whose parents were never seen again after the tremendous explosion. This is for those parents who are constantly praying, hoping that the souls of their children are at peace. This is for those who could still hear the screams of the people around them running, trying to save their lives. This is for those who are in the world trade center when it happened. This is for those who lost someone because of the attack. This is for those who cannot cry hard enough to show that the agony and melancholy inside them still kindles. This is for all the victims of the 9/11 attack.

The world we’re living in is indeed, very cruel. People take other people’s life just because of their selfish desires. Just like what William Shakespeare says, “Hell is empty and all the demons are here”. 

I am sorry you ever have to experience such thing. I am sorry you have to carry this burden in your heart wherever you go. I am sorry that you still have this scar inside you that may or may never be healed. In any case, smile because you can. Please stay strong. I know you could withstand the surges of the waves we’re into. 

11 September 2013
Star crossed

I do not know the reason why you’re here with me. And I do not think it matters still. All I know is that I am grateful that you are here with me though I know that you could always leave me at any times and I want to thank you for not leaving me- at least for now. I am aware that people, just like the seasons, changes and most of the times, the most interesting people are those who immediately leaves and passes through our life in just a blink of an eye. They are like dandelion dust, floating in the midst of the fields, and is easily taken away- gone with the wind. You are far beyond interesting. And I made myself realize the fact that I am not one of those people you would love to be with. That’s why I made it clear that sooner or later, you will be walking away in my life to find someone better. Someone that complements you. You are terribly amazing that is why you need someone just like you. 

I know we’ll end up walking on different ways but I want you to know that I am so thankful to have you. I know one of us will give up eventually. Maybe if I am the one to do so, that would be probably because I know you deserve better. But if it’s you who let go of the string, maybe because you realized that you deserve someone better. Either way, I’m happy and I won’t regret any of the memories you created with me. In contrary, I will not erase all your messages. Those will be my reminders that someone out there, might be sweeter than you. I will not erase our pictures together. Those will serve as my reminder that someone out there, might be will to take even more pictures with me together. But most specially, I will not forget all of those simple because they are all prerequisite of my past, who am I at this very moment and who I will be after some times. 

9 September 2013

I just want to go in a shopping spree wherein everything is free and I will just get whatever I want. I want to shop without thinking of the bills and how to get home when I lost all the money that I have. I will surely get tons of books if that happens because I’d rather have this paperback book in which I could smell and flip the pages rather than using this e-book in which all I could do is to scroll down while I read this certain novel. Nothing compares to the feeling of having this book you really love so much. It’s not just part of your collection but it is your very own treasure. 

However, having a chance to have a shopping spree wherein you could get everything for free has around (maybe) ten or five percent of becoming real. And that really hurts knowing that a lot of books are worthy of being read by individuals but they cannot since they don’t have enough money to buy one or in other case, they do not have an electronic gadget to download its e-book.

8 September 2013

Surrounded with blanket of gleaming stars, placed in the vastness of the sky, I look outside the window looking at the moon, wondering if it is staring back at me. Though inanimate, the moon has been my confidant; knows all my secret. From midnight to dawn, I talk to it though it never responded. I feel safe, I feel assured. I feel like someone is always there to listen. When six am approaches, my friend starts to leave, telling me to go to sleep.

It is during summer when I feel most lonely. I barely see my friend during those times. I wonder why he have to keep itself hidden though for me, it is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my entire existence.

Then I realized the reason why it doesn’t respond to me. It has its own problems. It envies the sun. The sun, shows up during the times when people are all outside their houses. People could appreciate it’s beauty. However, when it comes to the moon, people are sleeping quietly during the times when it is being displayed in the sky. 

The moon made me realize that what makes life fair is that people think life is unfair. The truth is life is unfair to all of us which makes it all fair. Everything, even my confidant, the moon has its own problems.

7 September 2013
She is too damn tired.

She had enough. Everyday, she wakes up feeling so incomplete. There is always something missing about her though she is not aware of what is it. She is sad, completely sad. You may see her smiling, but behind that smile is something you cannot even imagine. You may see her smiling when she is with some of her colleagues but she was never genuinely happy. There is always this sadness that engulfs her no matter what. And agony always win over happiness. She is too tired of doing the same old routine. She wakes up early in the morning. Then she eats some unhealthy food she finds delicious. She then goes to school and sees people whom she could not care less about. Everyday, she is forced to plaster a smile on her face so that people won’t see any evidence of the pain she is suffering. Her only true companion is a book consisting of pages with dog-eared corners. A book who perfectly defines her situation. She have read this book for nth times already.

Then one day, she thought of the cessation of her life. She went down to the kitchen and found a sharp, pointed knife. She brought it upstairs, in her room, where no one could see her. As the edge of the knife touched her pale skin, she cried and remembered her life when she was still a small kid. Everything was perfect and full of happiness. She was made up of glitters and sparkles while to world is a big playground made up of candies and other sweets. She was wrong. The world is a scary place. She continued to press the knife to her skin. She then realized that she is not made up of glitters. When she cut herself, she bleed blood, not glitters. 

5 September 2013