i. Let’s forget about the fact that books widens your vocabulary and that it teaches you about grammar. That is always given. Books has the power to change the way you view life. There are books which leaves you thinking and pondering about your life. “Am I living my life to the fullest? or am I wasting it?”. Books leave questions in our mind.
ii. Books are my refuge. They provide me comfort. Also, I found quixotic people in the characters of the books I read. I walk with the characters as they took me to their journeys. They introduced me to new ideas and stuff. And I find it really fascinating and wonderful.
iii. The struggle of the characters will leave a scar in your heart. When you found out that Hazel was dying, you can’t stop your tears from falling down your face. When you imagined Morrie’s face as he tries to live a normal life despite of his fatal disease, you were hurt knowing that he’ll be gone sooner or later. When you read Anne Frank’s diary and realized how cruel the Nazi’s where, you can’t help but to be angry and feel sad for her. It’s like their problems are your problems, too. You feel hurt simply because they are too. The words in the book are so powerful it can make you happy, sad and can give you a hangover.
iv. Reading books is like travelling through time. When you read Markus Zusak’s “The Book Thief”, you’ll experience the pain and struggle of the people living during the reign of the Nazi’s. You won’t feel sympathy, you’ll feel an even more powerful emotion- empathy. When you read Jane Austen’s “Pride and Prejudice”, it will take you to the medieval era- where you can see a different setting from the modern era. When you read “Delirium” by Lauren Oliver, you’ll be in a pre-apocalyptic place. Books are portals to different eras from our timeline.
v. It’s my escape. Books are the keys which unlocks the gate away from the realms of reality. There are times when all I want to do is to lock myself inside my room, never wanting to go out. Simply because the world is not as idealistic as it seems when I was a kid. With books, I can go to places without leaving the comfort of my own home. I can go to faraway places, from the lovely kingdom of princesses to the eerie forest where witches built their abodes. I can be anywhere I want to with the power of books and imagination. Books take me to a different world and allow me to be part of it.
vi. The books I read are all prerequisite of who am I right now.
The reality of death have always terrified me.
Here’s a thing: I am not afraid to die. I am not afraid to die because of a disease that slowly kills my body. I am not afraid to die because of a stray bullet that passed right through my chest. I am not afraid to die because of a serial killer who killed me because I am walking all by myself at night. No, I am not afraid to die. Ever since, I have accepted the fact that I am going to die- anytime and that my life is not permanent and it has an end. That is why I am trying my best to live my life and to ensure that it is not going to be wasted with nonsensical stuff.
The terrifying thing about death is that, those that I love can die anytime. We do not know what’s ahead of us. We can’t tell how many days are left for us to be with them. That is why I tell the people I love how much they mean to me just because I can- I still can. Today, we may be with them, but who knows what tomorrow might bring.
That is the reason why I’ve always wished to die before those that I love simply because living even just a single day without them is just as painful as battling fatal diseases.
Three reasons why I keep on pushing you away:
i. I am nothing but a mess. Being with me will bring no good to you. I swear, I always fuck things up. I can never be good enough for you and I am nothing but a mistake. I don’t want you to experience misfortunes because of me. I don’t want you to feel sad because of me. I push you away not because I do not like you. It’s because you mean so much to me that I do not want to cause any harm to you.
ii. I will disappoint you countless of times. Yes, darling. I am a living disappointment. It seems like I cannot do anything right. I hope you see the flaws in me and eventually give up on me. I don’t want you to stay any longer with me. There are a lot of people who can make you happy twice as much as I do. I push you away not because I do not want you. It’s because you mean so much to me that I do not want see a frown in your face.
iii. I want to see if you would still bother coming back to me after I pushed you away. I want to know if you would love me despite of my fuck up attitude and my flaws. I want to know if you’d bother telling me that I am perfect and that you don’t mind suffering the consequences of being with me. I push you away not because I do not love you. It’s because you mean so much to me that loving me back the way I do would be so nice.
I fell in love with someone in my dreams.
Every single night, before I go to sleep, I would pray for him to appear in my dreams. And it never failed me. He was always part of my dreams. I can still remember the first time he showed up in my dreams. It was fall. I was sitting under a cherry blossom tree. I was watching the leaves as they fall down from the branches of the tree. Some of the reached the ground, others were swaying together with the wind. Everything was perfect. Except for the fact that I was all alone and I have no one to share my amazement to.
I hear footsteps from afar- it was because there were dried leaves allover the place and stepping on them makes a very noticeable sound. Then I saw a very unfamiliar face. He sat beside me and asked me “Wonderful, huh?” I nodded my head and said “Indeed”. With all honesty, I was shocked and scared. Shocked because I do not really know him and scared because.. you know.. strangers. But the moment he started telling me stories of his experiences about fall, I can’t help but to feel a very peculiar emotion. I have this feeling that I knew him long time ago but I already forgot how he looks like. He told me stories of how much he likes writing about the seasons, and words seemed to be his word. He is really an amazing man. After a good talk, he decided to say good bye. I wanted to tell him that I want him to stay but I was too shy. He stand up and wave good bye. Before he walked away, he left me a piece of paper that says:
You were as cold as winter, yet your beauty shines like the sun during summer. You were as sad as fall, yet your beauty flourishes the same thing as the flowers during spring.
The letter gave me an enormous smile. After a while, I woke up. I was upset because everything was fake and no part of that beauteous dream was true. But for a second thought, it was still amazing. After that, I’d always hurry to go to bed after I went home from classes- wishing that I’ll see him again. And it did happen. He was always part of my dream and that was pretty much nice. I fell in love with him. I fell in love with the man in my dreams.
He was everything I could ever wish for. He defines perfection to me. Until I realized that loving him was like asking a blind person to describe what color blues was, asking a deaf to listen to the sound of the waves- impossible. I was holding onto nothing. And the feeling was undeniably painful knowing that someone you loved is not only gone, not away, not dead, but he is not there- he will never be there for you. For he was all a part of a dream that could never happen in real life.
To judge someone is just so wrong on many levels.
Do you really know him? Do you spend most of your times with him to assure me that what you say is true? No. Real talk, you know him. But by what? By his name? You only know him by his name. That’s all. Yes, you may know some facts, but compared to the entirety of him, it’s just a small fractional part. You see him doing uncanny stuff and you judge him right away? Wrong. That is so freaking wrong. You do not know the whole story bro. So stop making stupid inferences. You know nothing.
I have to admit, I fell in love with your smile. You’ve always hated your smile because you have crooked teeth. But dear, I’d gladly tell you- it fits you and it is a prerequisite of the perfection I see in you. Your smile reflects the stupendous galaxies far beyond the universe. That heavenly smile that shows up every time you get excited with the book you are reading, the smile you give whenever you are able to solve a difficult trigonometric function. Darling, that painted smile in your face defines perfection to me, just so you know.
I have to admit, I fell in love with your pale lips. You may despise it because you said that it looks like a lip from a dying patient but I do, I do find it beautiful. The way you bite those when you’re faced with a difficult situation, oh dear, I hope you’d be able to see what I see. If I could just paint your lips with vivid hues in canvas then I would, so that you could learn to love yourself for you’ll be able to see the colors in it you’ve never seen before. Dear, even if you hate it so much, I will never get tired of telling you how much I moon over those elfin lips.
I have to admit, I fell in love with your eyes- even if you hate the fact that you cannot see without your glasses on. I fell in love with those for they reflect the stars scattered in the pitch-lack sky during night. Darling, it does not matter whether you c an see clearly or not. What matters is that your heart could see those people who really appreciates you. I hope your heart could see me, by the way.
I have to admit, I fell in love with your drowsy looking hair. Though you want it to be changed, I suggest that you let it that way. Darling, you’re way more attractive than those models you watch in television who has perfectly looking hair all the times. Your hair sways with the wind and I find it really amazing.
I fell in love with your imperfections. I fell in love with them for those are what made you unique. You are as rare as an amaranth, as beauteous than flowers in spring time and as magical as the moon. You do not have to change anything.
i. Today is the first day of summer but I feel as cold as winter. The stare you used to give me when we were still together haunts me. The sun shines so bright as it towers all the things under him and I can’t help but to remember you- the most beauteous creature I have ever seen. The sun to my gloomy world. I went to a beach yesterday to unwind myself but even the waves remind me of your dark blue eyes. The sand reminds me of the castle we built last summer. Everything I see reminds me of you. Tell me darling, how can I move on if the thought of you was never erased in my mind?
ii. Today is the first day of spring but I feel as sad as fall. The magical touch that came from your hands still haunts me. The grass starts to sprout. The bright yellow sky says hello. The fragrance of roses knocks on my door but I can’t help but to remember your memories. I cannot have this genuine happiness I used to have way back when we were still together- holding hands while watching the flowers bloom. Right now, everything is picturesque but I wouldn’t deny the fact that this place would be a lot lovelier if you were here with me. Everything I see reminds me of you. Tell me darling, how can I move on if you are still in my heart?
iii. Today is the first day of winter but I feel even colder. I was finding the warmth that used to embrace me. I was finding the arms that used to hug me. I realized I was all alone. From my window, I watched the snow fall down as I remember our memories of building our own fort and making our snow man. The passiveness intensifies my feeling. The silence was slapping my face telling me to wake up and accept the fact that you’re gone but I cannot. Everything I see reminds me of you. Tell me darling, how can I move on if I am still longing for you?
iv. Today is the first day of fall but I feel even sadder. The grey colored clouds bid hello. The ambiance was pretty lonely. I watched the trees let go of its leaves the same thing as how I let go of you. I let go of a prerequisite of me. I know it won’t make me happy, but I know it’s the best thing to do. I never sent you these letters because chances are, you’ll keep it for winter and use it for your fire place. I kept these letters, unopened and unread. There are a lot of what ifs. I want to stop this foolishness but what if… I want to stop myself from loving you but what if… I want to let go of my love for you but everything I see reminds me of you. Tell me darling, how can I move on when you have become my world?
What I am feeling right now:
I am so tired. All I want to do is to sleep and have a rest even just for a day. I want to sleep all day long without thinking about any requirements to accomplish, quizzes to pass and group works to attend to. There are times when I ask myself “Am I not a human being?” I have my limitations too- My body has limitations. Lately, I’ve been sleeping so late. I am under too much pressure because of the expectations people have set on us. I am under too much stress, too. I don’t think I have time for myself. I cannot even comb my hair or look at the mirror. I wonder how people could still stroll in malls with their faces covered with make-ups. I wonder how they manage their time.
And one thing, I just realize that this feeling will continue. After I graduated from High School, I will start my college life which is not easy, too. Or should I say, more challenging. After I graduate from college, I have to find a descent job to help my family. I have to work hard for it, of course. After that, hopefully I will have my own family- and I will continue to work for them. Stressing yourself out is a never ending process. Well I guess for me. Yes, there are times when I could relax, but I could count them with my fingers. They are just fractional parts compare to the days when I have to push my body to its limit just to finish certain tasks.
Behind their smiles are everything you cannot imagine.
They are the ones who makes us laugh- the comedians in our peers. They always have these jokes that could make us laugh so very hard. They do not care even if they already look like an idiot as long as they make other people laugh.
But you know what? These comedians often times, has the saddest life. In contrary, they cannot even make themselves laugh. They make sure that they make others happy but they cannot do those for themselves. They find it hard to release the pain they’re feeling because people might think that they’re weak. That is a very sad fact knowing that behind their smiles are the sorrow they’re living with.
Tell me, how do volcanoes calm themselves once they’ve reached their boiling point? Tell me, how do tigers control themselves from not eating their own kind despite of being famished? Tell me, how do thunders and lightnings stop its rage? Tell me, how do human beings control themselves from not killing other people.