Cogito Ergo Sum ☆

We used to talk the same language. We used to travel the same road. We used to laugh at things together. We both sworn that we are going to write our own story. But that story, unfortunately, came to an end. The story didn’t last. 

Now, I’m all alone and you seemed to be very happy.  From a distance, I watch you as you laugh together with your colleagues. Your face exhibits no evidence of agony. But I can see it in the windows of your soul that you are, definitely glad and joyful. I want to think that you are not okay. That behind your smile is the pain you are feeling because you lost your world- just like what you’ve said years ago. You told me that I was your world. I told you that I do not want to be your world, just your favorite part. But you insisted. I hope you still see me as that because when it comes to me, you are, and will always be my world. 

The reason why I ran away, is because I want to see if you’re going to follow. But you didn’t. You let go of me the same way as how the branches of trees let go of their leaves during fall. You walked the other way. I kept on looking at you but you never looked back.

It pains me to that you’re far from me. But what’s even more painful is that you are making ways to be farther. I should have hold on. But I cannot blame you for leaving me. Who stays anyway. 

29 August 2013

At first glance, I knew you were someone different. 

At the back of my mind, I knew that you are going to be the subject of the poems I will write. I knew that you are going to be the person in my paintings. I knew you’d have a special place in my heart. And I was correct. From the first time I saw, until now, that we’re already close to each other, my feelings never went away. You will always be that someone I’ll always moon over. 

Seasons are changing. Leaves are falling. The Earth simultaneously revolves around its axis. Everything seems to be changing. People starts leaving, chapters are ending yet, my feelings remained constant. I guess, my love for you surpassed the test of time. But this is not it. There’s still a lot of tests that I should surpass before I could say that this is definitely love.

28 August 2013
To my friends who are miles away from me:

You’re hundred miles away from me. Maybe thousands, but it doesn’t matter anyway. When I was a kid, I thought that friends are those who are always with you, physically. I thought that they are the ones who can come into your room and comfort you during painful situations. That is what I believed. I told myself that when a person leaves and moves into somewhere far away from me, she is no longer my friend for she can no longer give me a hug when I need one. 

But those are my beliefs about friendship when I was still a child. Now, I proved younger self wrong. Friendship is not about how close are you to each other physically instead, it’s how close your hearts are. I then realized that sometimes, those who are really far away from you make better friends than those people around you. 

I am lucky to have such friends. Those that could make me smile through their posts. Those that could ease my emotions through their messages. I realized that I could even trust them with my secrets. They are worth my trust as well as my time. 

What I always wanted to tell my faraway friends: Thank you so much for being there when I have no one to tell my rants to. Just remember that even if you’re far away from me, you’ll always have a special place in my heart. Even if you go farther, and these thousand miles between us becomes million miles, still, my love for you will remain. You will always be a special friend who knows me and my hidden emotions. Remember if you ever need someone to talk to, I will always be here. I will always be a confidant of yours because you are my confidant too. 

How I wish that you live next our house so that we can have slumber parties and such. I believe that would be awesome. And so I could go into your house if you’re alone, and in my house if I am, too. We can talk just by peeking from our window. I am sure we’ll do a lot of crazy stuff. 

I know I have this little chance of meeting you personally. Actually, there’s a chance that I may never meet you personally, but still, thank you for being a prerequisite of who am I right now. I wish you could feel how thankful am I for knowing someone like you. Here’s a cyberhug from a person miles away from you.  

26 August 2013

People say that when you love a person, they always seem to be beautiful though they are full of flaws and imperfections. In your eyes, they are the epitome of perfection and no matter how much you try to find something bad about them, you always end up falling even deeper than before because when it comes to you, those negative things about them always turn into positives. They say that it is normal specially when you really love that someone. They will be full of splendor and beauty.

People say that when your physical beauty is gone, the love of people seemed to vanish also. It was as if, their love is dependent to your beauty and without it, their love will also be invalid. But time wipes the beauty in people’s face, and soon, not even a make up could bring back the beauty you lost. I do not know why people consider this crap as love. I do not believe it’s love if the emotions you’re feeling are intensified by physical beauty. 

I do believe that it is, however, the other way around. Beauty vanishes when love is gone. When you start to un-love someone, you’ll also start to forget how beautiful they seemed to be when you still moon over them. You’ll forget how beautiful their eyes were and everything about them. And that is, how people lose their beauty in the eyes of someone. But if someone truly loves you, you will always be beautiful for them no matter what. Even if many years have passed. 

25 August 2013
Most beloved woman on Earth

I.

In the depths of your womb,

I caught a glimpse of the stars

and the beauty of the entire universe.

Your veins are twigs, flourishing in time. 

II.

When I came out to the world,

I was indulged with affection.

Thy hands are abode for perpetual love

that shall surpass the test of time.

III.

My love for you is as vast as the oceans,

but your love for me is as vast as the universe.

My love for you is from Earth to the moon,

but your love for me is from Earth to moon and back.

IV. 

The cosmic dusts, the velvet onyx sky.

The stars in the night, the magical moon.

All are witnesses of the love you give

that can never be measured at all.

V.

Your beauty can never be compared,

for you are an epitome of love and perfection.

Despite my flaws, you love me still

and I can never be more thankful for that.

VI.

Thank you for being a shining guide

in this journey inside a pitch-black abyss.

From the deepest corners of my heart,

I appreciate your very existence.

Collaboration by: Erika and Alyssa

24 August 2013

10 AM.

I usually wake up at this time. Sometimes, my day starts too early and I can’t think of any thing better to than to close my eyes and sleep again. I will jump out of bed and walk in my pajamas. Brush my teeth, wash my face, drink some coffee and read my favorite book. I do not exercise or run outside our house to see the wonderful morning. In contrary, I prefer to just lock myself inside my room and remain hidden to most of the people. 

06 PM.

I’ll start to look outside the window. It’s almost sunset and the moon is getting ready to bid hello to the creatures below him. I’ll then regret the fact that I didn’t go outside to take a stroll or to appreciate the beauty of the place I’m living in because this is the time when the rays allow me to see its beauty like never before but it’s too late because darkness is slowly engulfing the area. 

09 PM.

This is the time when I can’t stop my tears from falling because I just finished reading the book and the characters in the story left a scar in my heart and questions in my mind. I’m still inside my room, alone in the dark. No one to talk to, no one to share my emotions with. This is the time when I start to ask myself the reason why am I alone. I never found the answer until…

12 PM. 

Another day have passed. Another day that I’ve wasted. Another beautiful day that was supposed to be full of different memories and experiences with my loved ones. This is the time when I ask myself this question: “Am I living? or am I just existing?”. I can’t even remember the last time I felt completely happy. 

02 AM.

I feel so empty inside. There are billions of people in this world. Why am I alone? There’s got to be someone, even just a single person who can be with me during times likes this. This is the time when I’ll start to play music that intensifies my emotions. Then I’ll write my feelings down, in my old journal. My inanimate best friend.

04 AM.

"You’re alone because you always isolate yourself." Ah, that’s it. Then I cry myself to sleep, wondering why am I such a mess.

22 August 2013

I wish I could erase all our memories in my head just like how I erased all your messages in my phone. 

I have to admit, forgetting you was and will never be easy. I did everything I could. I deleted your messages, throw everything you gave me but still, your memories haunt me every single day. When I’m alone, I remember all the things we used to do and how happy I was when we’re still in good terms. The way you made me smile when I failed to accomplish something and the way you tell me that I should never give up. Your memories always flash right before my eyes. I hate how your words still resides in my mind. I hate how the stars remind me of your eyes and how the waves resemble your hair. Why does everything have to remind me of you? 

It’s just so peculiar that after how many years, you are still in my mind and what’s scary about it is that this has the possibility to continue in the next days, months or even years. I don’t want to be caged by the memories we created. I know you’ve already moved and that you’ve accepted that we’ll be in separate ways but what’s unclear to me is that how can you forget everything that we had so easily? I mean, all of that, was everything a joke to you? Because I tried so hard but I can’t. So I’m wondering if you could tell me the reason why you dumped everything that we had so easily. 

"What if I said sorry?" "What if I told you that you still have the chance?". Oh gods know how messed up my mind is because I kept on thinking about what ifs. Questions never left my mind. I kept on looking at my phone to see if you’re going to text me and ask for my forgiveness. I kept looking outside the window to see if you’re going to come in my place and talk to me personally. I kept on waiting but you never came. I guess I was that easy to forget. I’m sorry for holding on by this very thin thread. Because to be honest, I am still hoping, wishing for something impossible to happen.

People tried to make me happy but they can’t make me happy the same way as you do. Maybe in time, I’ll realize that you’re not coming back, but if by chance, can you make me realize that you are worth the wait? Just remember that as long as I can withstand this pain, I’ll wait for you. 

21 August 2013
Reasons why I love reading

i. Let’s forget about the fact that books widens your vocabulary and that it teaches you about grammar. That is always given. Books has the power to change the way you view life. There are books which leaves you thinking and pondering about your life. “Am I living my life to the fullest? or am I wasting it?”. Books leave questions in our mind. 

ii. Books are my refuge. They provide me comfort. Also, I found quixotic people in the characters of the books I read. I walk with the characters as they took me to their journeys. They introduced me to new ideas and stuff. And I find it really fascinating and wonderful. 

iii. The struggle of the characters will leave a scar in your heart. When you found out that Hazel was dying, you can’t stop your tears from falling down your face. When you imagined Morrie’s face as he tries to live a normal life despite of his fatal disease, you were hurt knowing that he’ll be gone sooner or later. When you read Anne Frank’s diary and realized how cruel the Nazi’s where, you can’t help but to be angry and feel sad for her. It’s like their problems are your problems, too. You feel hurt simply because they are too. The words in the book are so powerful it can make you happy, sad and can give you a hangover. 

iv. Reading books is like travelling through time. When you read Markus Zusak’s “The Book Thief”, you’ll experience the pain and struggle of the people living during the reign of the Nazi’s. You won’t feel sympathy, you’ll feel an even more powerful emotion- empathy. When you read Jane Austen’s “Pride and Prejudice”, it will take you to the medieval era- where you can see a different setting from the modern era. When you read “Delirium” by Lauren Oliver, you’ll be in a pre-apocalyptic place. Books are portals to different eras from our timeline. 

v. It’s my escape. Books are the keys which unlocks the gate away from the realms of reality. There are times when all I want to do is to lock myself inside my room, never wanting to go out. Simply because the world is not as idealistic as it seems when I was a kid. With books, I can go to places without leaving the comfort of my own home. I can go to faraway places, from the lovely kingdom of princesses to the eerie forest where witches built their abodes. I can be anywhere I want to with the power of books and imagination. Books take me to a different world and allow me to be part of it.

vi. The books I read are all prerequisite of who am I right now. 

20 August 2013

The reality of death have always terrified me.

Here’s a thing: I am not afraid to die. I am not afraid to die because of a disease that slowly kills my body. I am not afraid to die because of a stray bullet that passed right through my chest. I am not afraid to die because of a serial killer who killed me because I am walking all by myself at night. No, I am not afraid to die. Ever since, I have accepted the fact that I am going to die- anytime and that my life is not permanent and it has an end. That is why I am trying my best to live my life and to ensure that it is not going to be wasted with nonsensical stuff. 

The terrifying thing about death is that, those that I love can die anytime. We do not know what’s ahead of us. We can’t tell how many days are left for us to be with them. That is why I tell the people I love how much they mean to me just because I can- I still can. Today, we may be with them, but who knows what tomorrow might bring. 

That is the reason why I’ve always wished to die before those that I love simply because living even just a single day without them is just as painful as battling fatal diseases. 

17 August 2013

Three reasons why I keep on pushing you away:

i. I am nothing but a mess. Being with me will bring no good to you. I swear, I always fuck things up. I can never be good enough for you and I am nothing but a mistake. I don’t want you to experience misfortunes because of me. I don’t want you to feel sad because of me. I push you away not because I do not like you. It’s because you mean so much to me that I do not want to cause any harm to you.

ii. I will disappoint you countless of times. Yes, darling. I am a living disappointment. It seems like I cannot do anything right. I hope you see the flaws in me and eventually give up on me. I don’t want you to stay any longer with me. There are a lot of people who can make you happy twice as much as I do. I push you away not because I do not want you. It’s because you mean so much to me that I do not want see a frown in your face.

iii. I want to see if you would still bother coming back to me after I pushed you away. I want to know if you would love me despite of my fuck up attitude and my flaws. I want to know if you’d bother telling me that I am perfect and that you don’t mind suffering the consequences of being with me. I push you away not because I do not love you. It’s because you mean so much to me that loving me back the way I do would be so nice. 

10 August 2013